TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)
CLASSIFICATION: J/L
RATING: PG-13
Summary: In her seventh and final year at
Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in
pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she
finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she’d
always thought she’d known.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of
this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: This fic has been
REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the
CHAPTER TEN: Testing the Limits
Lily slowly opened
her eyes, feeling like she was on fire.
Sitting up, she gingerly brought her hand up to wipe the blood from her
mouth just as Dumbledore’s voice broke through the ringing in her ears.
“Excellent,
Lily nodded, the
corners of her mouth turning slightly upward as she caught James’ eye. “Yes...I’m fine. It was a good hit.”
“Now, Miss Evans,”
Dumbledore continued above the din being caused by the rest of the class as
they practiced their dueling skills, “I must congratulate you on keeping hold
of your wand...in an intense duel that could mean the difference between life
and death. What could you have done to
prevent that hit?”
As he asked the
question, he reached a hand down to help her to her feet. Standing and brushing herself off, a bit
impressed herself at the fact that her wand was still gripped tightly in her
hand, she replied, “I got distracted...Tim had just bumped into me and I turned
my head.”
“Exactly,” he
replied, then raised his voice so that the whole group could hear him, “When
involved in a situation where you are fighting for your life, it requires total
concentration. In that moment, the only
things whose existence you care about are yourself and your opponent...oh, and
both of your wands, as well.”
A ripple of
laughter went through the class, and Dumbledore continued, “While we’re on the
subject, I want to say a few things about wands. As you all well know if you happened to
purchase your wands from Mr. Ollivander, the wand chooses the wizard...or
witch. This is no small bit of
information...it means that your wand is not merely a tool or a weapon. It is your
tool, your weapon...and also your
most trusted ally in dangerous circumstances.
You and your wand together possess strength is certain areas, and are
not as formidable in others. It is your
responsibility to know these strengths and weaknesses, and in battle, how well
you know the capabilities of your wand as it is used by you – it’s wizard – can
save your life.”
There was a
silence after Dumbledore was finished speaking as everyone pondered what he had
said to them. Lily absently swiped the
last bit of blood from her lip as she stood there contemplating, and after a
moment Dumbledore looked at the old clock on his desk.
“Oh, my...it’s
already past eleven o’clock. You are all
dismissed, and get a good night’s rest...you have your lessons tomorrow.”
Tim gave him an
incredulous look and asked, “Professor, couldn’t we have a pass? At least for the first lesson of the day?”
Dumbledore winked
at him and turned to leave, calling, “Aurors do not receive passes, Mr.
Connelly. Consider it part of your
training.”
A few people
laughed and there were some sighs as everyone collected their things. Lily calculated it in her head...if she were
to head straight back to the dorms and go straight to bed, she’d get about six
and a half hours of sleep. A voice broke
through her thoughts as she hoisted her unusually large pile of books onto her
hip.
“What are all
those?”
She glanced up at
James, who was slinging his bag over his shoulder and nodding at her
books. She smiled a bit sheepishly and
replied, “Yeah, well...perhaps I did go overboard a bit. I realized today that I haven’t been to the
library in almost a
James
frowned. “What are you talking
about? We have the meeting there every
week.”
“No, I mean I
haven’t really been there...to take
out books or anything. The meetings
don’t count...in fact, they make it worse, because I can’t even say I didn’t
have time to go.”
James blew out a
huff of laughter as they made their way down the corridors to the Gryffindor
common room, Sirius following behind them.
“Whatever you say. Here, let me
take some of those.”
She let him
relieve her of a couple of the bigger volumes.
“Thanks.”
He nodded, then
said, “Hey, listen...sorry about that lip.”
Lily cut him
off. “Oh, please...don’t apologize. It was a great hit! Anyway, it was payback for that gash on your
face.”
James’ brow
furrowed as he reached a hand up to his jaw and felt the cut she’d given him
earlier in the dueling session. “Huh...I
forgot all about that.”
A chuckle sounded
from behind them and they both turned to find Sirius grinning wolfishly at
James. “Yeah...you won’t forget about it
ever again. It looks like it’s going to
leave a huge scar.”
Frowning, James
replied, “Right, and you’d know.”
“You think I’m
joking?” Sirius asked solemnly, even though it was clear he was joking, “I’m serious...”
“Piss off,” James
shot over his shoulder, even though he was starting to smile.
Lily shrugged,
“Well...I was enjoying it.”
“Speaking of
enjoyable activities,” Sirius mentioned, “We might want to pick a time when we
can finish that blasted potion. I, for
one, wouldn’t mind spending a solid afternoon on it if it meant we could be
done with it.”
“Sounds fine to me,”
Lily replied, “I wanted to get it done before the NEWTS anyway.”
“Good, let’s do it
Sunday.”
“
They walked in
silence for a moment before James mumbled, “Ours is finished already.”
Lily tutted and
Sirius snorted, growling, “I wouldn’t be proud of this...it means you have a
poor excuse for a social life.”
James quirked a
brow and said, “I don’t know what that says about you, then, because you are my
social life.”
They laughed, and
then walked in companionable silence the rest of the way to the Tower. It felt like there was a piece missing
without Arabella, but somehow Lily didn’t miss her as much as she would have
thought...she supposed it was because she knew Arabella was already out there,
preparing to make a difference. Lily
envied her more than anything else, and she felt so grateful to Dumbledore for
subtly acknowledging the reality of the circumstances surrounding that
fight. He knew as well as Lily herself
did that Arabella was a strong, independent, intellegent witch who would excel at
whatever she threw herself into, and the Ministry should be thanking their
stars that she was going to be on their side.
At the base of the
dormitory staircase they said goodnight and parted ways, and Lily was glad to
crawl into her bed...her chest was still sore from being hit by that
curse. Wasting no time, she turned over
and fell asleep.
~~
The next day was
fairly uneventful. As she sat through
her lessons, she couldn’t take her mind off of the articles in the Daily
Prophet she’d read over breakfast...talking about the increasing danger, the
Ministry, how no one quite knew what was going to happen next. It was all very frightening, but somehow it
made Lily want to be involved. Part of
it was due to the massive void her parents deaths had left in her life and the
intense loss she felt when she thought of them, but it was also because she
truly believed she could possibly make a difference. As guilty as she felt about it, she couldn’t
help thinking that all of this – their lessons and Hogwarts – just wasn’t as
important as it had once been. She felt
she’d outgrown the place, and she just wanted to get out of there and go do
something real.
The only class she
fully appreciated anymore was Dumbledore’s class, and that wasn’t even a normal
lesson. She simply had to continue to
get through the days and focus on her NEWTS so that she could at least feel
that she’d always done her best when she finally walked out of the castle for
the last time at the end of this year...and as impatient as she felt to have
that happen, it was still a sad thought.
Later that night,
she sat in the common room with Helen, who was talking to her about something
that had happened in Potions. Lily
wasn’t listening...she was staring at her friend’s blonde head and wondering why
she hadn’t confided in her more, since Arabella had gone. Lily contemplated hers and Helen’s entire
relationship as she waited for James to get back from Quidditch practice. She didn’t quite know when it had happened,
but somewhere along the way, she and Helen had grown in different
directions. They’d shared a dorm since
the beginning of their time at Hogwarts...but over time Helen had mostly made
friends with the Hufflepuffs, and Arabella and Lily had formed an unusually
strong bond. It wasn’t that Helen wasn’t
her friend...but Lily kept the deepest and darkest of her secrets and thoughts
for Arabella only.
No, not Arabella
only, she corrected herself. Now James
as well. Life was truly strange.
After what seemed like
forever, James came through the portrait hole with the rest of the team, wet
from the rain. His eyes scanned the room
and immediately found her, then he walked over and stopped in front of her.
“Hey...d’you want
to go for a walk?”
Lily glanced at Helen,
who was now speaking with a couple of sixth year girls, and then frowned back
up at him. “Now?”
He smiled a little
and replied, “Has to be now. I’ve got to
do something.”
“What?”
Raising his
eyebrows at her, he asked, “Do you want to go or not?”
Lily shrugged and
followed James’ lead out the portrait hole.
“Alright, come
on...what is it?”
“Hmm?” he
murmured, still smiling and refusing to look at her.
Heaving a
frustrated sigh that was only half genuine, she asked, “What is it you have to
do?”
Giving his head a
shake, he replied, “See, this is quite the predicament for me, because if I
tell you now you might turn right back around and refuse to come with me.”
This heightened
her curiosity, if not her enthusiasm.
“Well, as confident as that makes me feel, I’d still like to make this
important decision based on facts and not guesswork...so would you please spit
it out?”
Laughing and
finally giving in, he glanced at her and confessed, “It’s my turn to clean the
Quidditch shed.”
Nodding, she made
a face and turned on her heel. He
laughed harder and caught her arm, pleading, “Come on...I swear I’ll make it
fun.”
Facing him again,
she asked, “How could you possibly make that job fun?”
He shrugged. “If there’s anyone who could, it’s me. Please?”
“I don’t understand
why you have to do this right now!” she protested, glancing out the window at
the fading twilight.
“Oh, and you had
something better to do, Miss Bookworm?”
Narrowing her eyes
to slits in mock annoyance, she replied, “At least a book would provide me with
good company.”
He winced and put
a hand to his chest. “Ouch, Evans. That hurt.”
She shook her head
and started walking again, never having had any intention of turning back. “I suppose I should give you an opportunity
to prove me wrong.”
Following behind
her, he replied, “Right...thanks a lot.”
She slowed so he
could catch up, but he still remained a step behind her. Glancing over her shoulder, she said, “Well,
come on! Don’t lag behind.”
He grinned at her
and quickly caught up. “Sorry. Now d’you see why I had to bring you? Where would I be otherwise?”
“Stop making fun.”
Glancing at her,
he replied, “I’m not.”
Once they were
well on their way to the pitch, she turned and gazed at the silhouette of the
castle against the darkening sky. “Do you
remember the first time you saw it?”
“What?”
“Hogwarts.”
“Sure,” he
replied, turning to glance at it as well, “Everyone does. I was...maybe four years old.”
She looked up at
him in surprise as they continued walking.
“Four?”
Nodding, he
explained, “My dad used to be on some
committee...I don’t know what it was, but it had something to do with the
rebuilding projects they had to coordinate right after the Grindelwald
era. I used to go with him sometimes
when I was a young boy.”
“Really?”
“Yeah...you know
how you go back to a place that you visited when you were a kid, and it seems
so much smaller when you experience it as an adult?”
“Yeah...I do.”
He paused for a
moment, his eyes scanning the horizon, before finishing, “It never happened
with Hogwarts. It never lost anything as
I grew up...it never seemed to diminish at all.
But lately...is it just me, or is the place starting to feel a bit
claustrophobic?
“Yeah,” she
agreed, relief coarsing through her unexpectedly as she received confirmation
that she was not the only one who felt held back, “I feel it, too. All I want to do these days is get out of
here. Everything just seems so...”
She hesitated, and
he provided, “Pointless?”
“Yes,
exactly. I just can’t stand sitting in
class anymore.”
Smirking, he
replied, “I know. I don’t think I’ve
ever seen you spend so much time staring wistfully out the window...and if
you’re not doing that, you’re looking at your watch.”
Lily shrugged, a
bit red-faced. “I can’t help it. There’s so much to worry about now. Hearing the details of how juniper berries
aid in the soothing of a pixie bite just doesn’t seem to hold the appeal it
once did.”
Raising an
eyebrow, James replied, “Right, well...I never
would have found that appealing, but I know what you mean.”
She tutted, and
they walked on in silence for a moment.
She enjoyed the mild breeze and mused over whatever came into her head,
and then a thought struck her. Looking
over at him, she noted quietly, “I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me about
your family before.”
He seemed a bit
surprised at the sudden comment, but soon recovered and shrugged. “There’s not much to tell. My Mum and Dad are just the same as they’ve
always been. I don’t have any brothers
or sisters, so ever since I was a boy, my parents have simply expected me to
succeed...and I made sure I did. I knew
it was what they wanted.”
She took this
opportunity to comment in an exaggeratedly bitter voice, “Maybe that’s why you’re so effortlessly good
in your lessons.”
“No,” he replied
wryly, smiling over at her, “That’s
because I’m a genius.”
She rolled her
eyes and laughed as he continued, “I mean, I had my rebellious streak. I reckoned that if I was going to work my
arse off for top marks, I was at least entitled to break every rule in the book
while I did it.”
“I know,” she said
dryly, “I was the one doling out the
punishment.”
He looked down at
her and grinned wolfishly, “Yeah, you thought
you were punishing me. Half the time I
broke the rules just so that you would come and tell me off.”
He seemed
abominably smug about this. “Excuse me?”
“Well...first I
fancied you, so it was a way to get attention.
Then I hated you so I wanted a fight.
Either way...”
“Either way,
you’re a git.”
He snorted, then
fell into silence. It seemed as if he was done with the conversation and wasn’t
going to say anything more. She,
however, wasn’t quite satisfied...it was dawning on her just how little she
knew about his life, and she wanted to persue it for a bit longer as long as
the subject had already been broached.
“Sirius speaks
well of them, anyway,” she observed, glancing furitively up at him. He looked down at her, and she quickly looked
back down at the path they were treading to the pitch.
“Does he?”
She nodded, and he
prodded lightly, “When?”
“Not often...just
once, actually. It was something he said
one day when we were working on that potion...I can’t even remember exactly
what it was.”
James nodded,
eyebrows raised a bit. He looked a
little astonished that Sirius would bring it up at all, and she wondered if
perhaps she shouldn’t have said it, even though it was the truth. When he spoke again, though, he merely
sounded pensive.
“I know Sirius
respects my parents...well, as much as he can,
anyway. He’s not much for authority
figures.”
“Really?” she
asked sarcastically, “I would never have guessed.”
He shot her a
look, and then went on, “Still...he’s not really one to judge. His family are a load of nutters. You knew Bellatrix well enough, so that
should give you some idea.”
Lily was shocked. “Yes, I...as much as I cared to know her,
anyway. I sort of thought that she was the black sheep...”
“No,” he
interrupted firmly, his voice hard, “Sirius is most definitely the odd
one. He’s been practically
disowned...the whole lot of them have always taken great pride in being
connected with Slytherin at Hogwarts.”
Lily nodded,
realization dawning and making her feel more than a little sorry at how she’d
apparently always underestimated Sirius Black’s complexity. “So...I imagine, then, that it wasn’t welcome
news when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor.”
James laughed and
quirked a brow at her. “You could say
that, yeah. Anyway, my parents always
let me bring him to spend holidays with us...and they were always very good to
him.”
They’d arrived at
the shed, and as James opened the door a cloud of dust choked her.
“Oh, you’ve got to
be kidding,” she muttered as she stepped through the door into the musty
space. He illuminated the small torches
on the walls, bathing the room in light, and she could see that there was quite
a bit of work to be done. He turned and
looked at her, then laughed at the look on her face.
“Relax...I’ll do
the work, you just sit down. Here’s a
bench.”
He bent, grabbing
hold of a rickety wooden bench that had been pushed against the wall and
hauling it over to her. Setting it down,
he shrugged and commented, “Looks comfortable, right?”
“Yeah...lovely,”
she replied sarcastically, but sat down anyway.
As he began by organizing the equipment, she thought about continuing
with the conversation about his family.
She felt insatiable...now that she knew a little, she wanted to know
everything. After all, she reasoned, he
knew everything there was to know about her life beyond Hogwarts. Feeling a bit out of her element talking about
something that she knew nothing about, she commented, “Why don’t
you ever talk about your family?”
He was pulling a
bundle of brooms from where they’d been unceremoniously deposited in the
corner. Picking one up and examining it,
he asked distractedly, “Don’t I?”
Thinking maybe she
shouldn’t be doing this, she pressed, “No, you don’t.”
Pulling his wand
out of his back pocket and starting to trim the bristles, he shrugged. “I don’t know...like I said, there’s not much
to say about them. They’re...kind of
boring, actually. I love them and all,
and they’re good people, but...you know.
They can be a bit stiff...a bit cold.”
She frowned. “Compared to what?”
He glanced up and
met her eyes momentarily before returning his attention to his work. “Well, yours, for a start.”
She felt only a
small pang of sadness, and she knew it was tempered by the tone of his
voice. He wasn’t trying to make her
sad...he was just talking. She responded
to it well, but blew out a huff of laughter and said a bit cynically, “Well,
that’s horrible, seeing as how I don’t have one anymore.”
He raised his eyes
to really look at her now, his gaze direct and sincere. “But you did...and from what you’ve told me,
they seemed a million times more tolerant and supportive than my parents.”
Shaking her head,
she replied earnestly, “Every family is different...it doesn’t mean one is
better or worse. My family...well, you
know all about me and my sister. There’s
certainly nothing supportive about that.”
“Yeah...but your
sister is different...”
“No, I’m different. That’s her point,” she objected,
half-jokingly.
Rolling his eyes,
he replied, “Well, different than what,
that’s the question. You’re normal, as
far as I’m concerned.”
She couldn’t help smiling
a little at this, but she really wanted to change the subject. She didn’t want to grow melancholy just now,
but she’d gotten herself into it...she was the one who’d brought it up, so she
figured she should at least finish it.
Looking up at James as he pulled an irritated face at a mess in the
cupboard, she declared mildly, “Everyone has their flaws. Dad, for instance – my dad - he could be an absolute bear. Petunia’s lads - the ones she occassionally
brought home for dinner - used to be scared to death of him.”
“Really?” James
asked, his eyes suddenly going alight with interest as he got tired of manual
labour and enchanted the tangle of training gear to untangle itself.
Lily nodded, “He was always shouting. I don’t know...he’d shout even if he didn’t
mean to do it. He was just a loud
man...but not really bombastic, you know.
Anyway, he was always looking around with this glint in his eye, like he
was up to something. Always a plan
brewing in his head, some way he was going to get some scheme past my Mum. Not that it worked, usually.”
James smiled,
watching her. “He sounds great.”
She tried not to
get too misty as she replied, “He was.”
Still watching her
closely as though trying to gauge if he was about to step over some kind of invisible
comfort line, he admitted softly, “I’d like to have met him.”
Touched, she
observed, “You remind me of him.”
This seemed to
catch him off guard...his face changed, and he blinked at her. “I
do?”
She nodded, “Quite
a bit, actually.”
To this, he didn’t
seem to have any response. He simply sat
there, staring at her. She finally broke
eye contact when the moment became heavy with a tension that she hadn’t
anticipated…she hadn’t really thought about it when she’d said it, but it was
the truth. Looking back up, she found
his eyes very soft, and still gazing enigmatically at her. Shrugging a bit shyly, she attempted humor in
her inexplicable need to break the moment.
“Now it’s your
turn...you can tell me how much I remind you
of your mother.”
His face broke
into a huge grin at this, and he finally looked down at the floor and rubbed
the back of his neck as he replied, “I don’t think I will, thanks. It’d be a lie, anyway...you’re absolutely
nothing like my Mum.”
‘No?”
“No...in fact,
you’re not like anybody.”
She furrowed her
brows and repeated, “I’m not like anybody?”
He shook his head,
looking back up at her with undisguised affection in his expression as he
replied, “Nope...you’re the first one of you I’ve met.”
She blushed hard,
but hoped he couldn’t see it in the relatively dim light of the shed. Leave it to James Potter to consistently
think of something better. Better
answer, better idea...better compliment.
She stood and walked around to the other side of the room, looking at
the various pieces of Quidditch gear that were piled everywhere. He continued working, but she felt his eyes
on her.
“James?”
“Hmm?”
She hesitated
before she asked her question, because she knew she might be out of line...but
she had to know, or the curiosity would kill her. “Sirius’ family...you said they were...”
“Bloody bastards?”
he finished, and she looked over her shoulder to find his jaw set and his
expression suddenly dark. She blew out a
nervous breath.
“Well...yes. I just...I mean, I don’t want to say anything
bad, but...”
“Lily, just ask.”
It wasn’t said
angrily, just slightly impatiently. She
screwed up her courage and asked, “Do you think they’re involved? With...with everything they keep writing
about in the Prophet?”
James paused
before answering her question, and she prayed that he wasn’t offended. When he finally did reply, though, his
response was flat and without indignance, “I’m sure they are.”
She turned to face
him, her courage bolstered. “Has he said
they are?”
He shook his head,
standing and walking towards her.
“No...he wouldn’t know. He
doesn’t talk to them.”
She looked at him
for a long moment before concluding softly, “I can see why he’s your friend.”
James looked as
though he wasn’t sure if she was complimenting him or Sirius, but the truth was
that she had meant it as a compliment to both of them...and she was tired of
this serious talk. Smiling and walking
over to him, she asked, “Alright...what can I do?”
He looked up at
her and said, “Nothing...you’re keeping me company.”
“Look, I might as
well contribute so it’ll go faster.
Plus, I know you can’t do anything right without my help, so...”
He pulled a face,
smiling disbelievingly, and looked up at her again. “What were you saying earlier? Something about my being a genius?”
Laughing, she
retorted, “I didn’t say that...you
did, true to form. Now come on...give me
a job.”
“Other than to
shut up?” he asked incorrigibly. She
raised her brows, and he held up his hands and said, “Alright,
alright...whatever you say.”
It felt good to
finally have him give in to her, and she said a quick thank you to her parents
for teaching her to never be afraid of perseverence.
~~
The following
Sunday, when they’d finally gotten through the week, they didn’t even have much
of a chance to relax...it was the day they’d agreed upon to finish the potion
they were making for Dumbledore’s class, and they’d started early at Lily’s
insistance. Progress was slow, as they
had to be very careful with adding the ingredients in exactly the right
measurements…and these measurements were odd and hard to perfect.
She reached across
the table and picked up the vial with the blue liquid in it, and then
frowned. Sirius apparently noticed
because he responded with a gruff, “What?
What now?”
“Nothing,” she
replied, shaking her head, “I just want to make sure we do this the right
way. Hang on, let me just...read this
over one more time before we do anything...”
The two boys sat
back and watched her as she poured over her recipe page, her brows furrowed in
concentration. She prayed that she
didn’t do anything wrong...she knew that she had been the one to take charge of
the book, and if anything went awry it would be her fault. Just as she was starting to feel confident
that the blue vial was supposed to come next, she jumped at the sudden sound of
the door being pushed open and banging against the stone wall. Looking up, she beheld James striding over to
the table.
“Right,” he said,
smirking, “Still not finished, then?”
They all rolled
their eyes.
“What does it look
like? Get away, will you?” Sirius said
grumpily, but didn’t protest further when James pulled up a chair and sat down,
commenting,
“We finished ours
a week ago, you know.”
“Yeah, you’ve said
that,” Sirius muttered, “Now piss off, will you? We’re working, here.”
Tim, with only a
twinge of annoyance in his voice, eyed his two partners and said mockingly,
“Maybe he’s brought us tea.”
James quirked a
brow and retorted, “Yeah, and yours is poisoned, Connelly.”
“Well, at least
then you’d be useful,” Tim muttered, causing James to raise an eyebrow at him.
James blew out a
huff of what sounded like laughter, but Lily was too busy trying to read her
own handwriting to care.
“What are you
doing over there, Connelly?” James suddenly asked mildly, his brow furrowed as
he leaned over to see what Tim was working on.
Tim looked up from his notes and replied,
“I’m taking down
what we’ve done so far. Keeping track,
so that we don’t ruin the thing by doing something twice.”
James nodded, his
eyebrows raised. “Ah...right. Good thinking.”
Lily looked up
from her manual and eyed Tim. “Well, it
doesn’t work if he’s not paying attention, does it?”
Tim glanced up at
her. “What?”
“Did you get that
down? That I just added the lavendar
root?”
Tim shook his head
and nudged her hip with his elbow.
“Right. Sorry ‘bout that.”
She laughed and
shrugged, then went back to frowning down at the manual. After a moment, James spoke again, but she
only listened with half an ear as she scanned the ingredients they had left.
“You do a lot of
writing, don’t you?”
“Hmm?” Tim
responded, and James clarified,
“I mean, didn’t I
hear you say once that you were interested in persuing journalism or something
when you got out of here?”
“Oh, yeah...yeah,
I think that’s probably where I’ll end up.”
“So, do you do a
lot of writing in your spare time?”
“What’s the
matter, Evans?” Sirius addressed her, talking over the conversation between
James and Tim.
Shaking her head,
she answered, “I don’t think we have everything we need. Does it matter if we go out of order?”
“Do you keep a
journal, then?” James was saying, and Sirius answered her,
“I don’t
know...some potions it does, some it doesn’t.
I think this one is pretty complicated...maybe we shouldn’t take chances
in going out of order. It would be weeks
worth of work down the drain.”
“Right,” she
agreed, “Let me just make sure, then...I’ll do a quick inventory.”
“I don’t know,”
Tim said, shrugging at James, “A lot of things.”
“D’you write as
though you’re doing articles, like about what’s happening with the Ministry and
such all, or...more personal stuff?”
“Both, I guess...I
don’t know, whatever strikes me.”
Lily sighed and
said, “Will you two shush? I’m trying to
think...”
“Sorry, Lily,” Tim
apologized, but James continued in a lowered tone of voice,
“Have you been
keeping journals for awhile?”
“Awhile, yeah,”
Tim replied, glancing at Lily.
There was a brief
pause before James asked, “Could you look back through them and read about
important moments in your life? That
would be cool, I think. I mean, did you
write about stuff like...I dunno, the first night you spent at Hogwarts or your
OWLS results?”
Tim furrowed his
eyebrows and cast James a puzzled look, then replied laughingly, “Yeah, I
suppose...bloody hell, Potter, I don’t know.
I don’t remember.”
Lily glanced up to
ask Sirius a question, but found him eyeing James suspiciously. She’d just followed his gaze to James’
strangely impassive face when suddenly James asked Tim, “Did you write about the first time you had
it off with a girl?”
It was as though
someone had just cursed the entire group...Sirius and Lily stood staring in
different levels of shock at James, Lily not believing she’d heard
correctly. However, she couldn’t hold
onto that for long as Tim said in a dangerous voice,
“Sorry?”
James regarded Tim
coldly, the corner of his mouth starting to turn up in a self-satisfied smile
as he replied, “Ah...right, sorry.
Didn’t mean to imply that you’d gotten there yet.”
The silence
thickened to unbearable proportions as Tim slowly leaned forward, and before he
could respond, James dealt the final blow in his unexpected verbal assault.
“Or...that you
were even interested. Maybe you prefer
blokes.”
Tim was on his
feet in an instant, and James and Sirius both stood at the same time. Lily remained seated, looking in disbelief
from James to Tim and back again...they were staring daggers at each
other. Tim looked livid, and James
looked...Lily was dumbstruck at the look on his face. Brash, smug, and self-satisfied...but also
furious. As if he had something to be furious about.
Finally, she looked at Sirius, hoping he would do something to stop
this, but her hopes were dashed when at last he did speak. Moving a bit
closer to James, he said to Tim,
“Drop it,
Connelly. You won’t win this one.”
His meaning was
clear...he would stand with James. Lily
was sickened.
After a heavy
pause, Tim shook his head, his face a mask of anger and disgust. Picking up his notes, he threw them at Sirius
and spat, “Deal with it yourself.”
He didn’t even look
at Lily before grabbing his bag, turning on his heel, and walking out of the
room. James and Sirius relaxed a bit
after he was gone, apparently not feeling they had to be tensed for a fight any
longer...but Lily slowly stood, one hand gripping her own notes and the other
balled into a fist at her side. Sirius
shook his head and took his seat, muttering,
“Bloody hell,
mate.”
James stared for a
moment at the door through which Tim had left, and then glanced at Sirius. Lily felt her lip curling as she looked from
one to the other...she was absolutely taken aback, and she couldn’t even stand
to be in the same room with them.
Throwing her own notes on the table in front of Sirius, which caused him
to look up at her, she said vehemently, “You can have mine, too.”
Casting one look
at James only to find him looking back at her unapologetically, she grabbed her
books and stormed out of the room.
Running up the stairs, she found Tim turning a corner, heading back to
the Ravenclaw common room.
“Tim!”
He ignored her.
“Tim, wait!” she
called again, feeling so awful that she knew if she didn’t speak to him she’d
die, “I’m so, so sorry about what happened back there...”
He rounded on her
suddenly, surprising her. “Why the hell
are you apologizing? As I recall, you
didn’t say bugger all.”
Cringing at his
language, she said, “I know...that’s why I’m sorry. I should have interrupted, I should have...”
“Look,” he said,
interrupting her, “You used to stand up to James Potter, and I admired you for
that. If you don’t have the energy – or
the desire – to do that anymore, it’s no skin off my nose. I get it, alright? You and he are close, it’s not a big
deal...but from now on, keep him away from our group sessions. We need to get that bloody thing done, and we
don’t need interference.”
With that, he
turned and strode away from her, leaving her gaping after him and feeling as
though she was two inches tall.
~~
She didn’t see him
again until dinner. She didn’t expect
to, considering the fact that it was nearly ten o’clock by the time she got
down there...she just assumed he’d already been and gone. She was sitting in the Great Hall by herself,
calmly eating her soup as she read a “Contemporary Charmwork” issue that she’d
borrowed from Professor Flitwick, when suddenly he was sitting across from
her. She glanced up and found him
staring at her.
“What?” she asked
coolly, turning her eyes back to her reading.
“What?” he
repeated, then asked, “Where have you been?”
Lifting her
shoulders unconcernedly, she replied, “Busy.”
Rather than
respond, he apparently decided that he’d had enough and grabbed the publication
right out from under her nose so abruptly that she nearly dropped her
spoon. Glaring furiously up at him, she
opened her mouth to tell him off but couldn’t get the words out before he said,
“I want to talk.”
“Oh, yeah?” she
retorted, slamming her spoon down on the table and bracing herself for whatever
was about to happen, “Well, sorry...I’m not interested. Now give me back my...”
“This is how it’s
going to be, then?” he asked angrily, “I can spend months, years, or decades
acting like a bloody saint around you, and one show of backbone - one telling
off of some self-important git - will
leave you convinced that I’m rubbish?”
She frowned,
shaking her head, “A saint? Who asked
you to be saintly?”
“Come off it,” he
growled, spitefully tossing her periodical a fair distance down the Gryffindor
table, “Your expectations are close to impossible to achieve, you...”
“My expectations?”
she interrupted, completely unable to understand what he was trying to say but
now even more angry that he’d disposed of her reading material so
unceremoniously, “Look, I don’t know what in the world you mean. As far as I can tell, you’re talking about a
problem you’ve invented for yourself, not something that was started by
anything I’ve ever said to you. Furthermore, you’re making this much more
complicated than it really is.”
“Am I?” he
sneered, and she replied,
“Yes. If this is the kind of conversation you
wanted to have with me, one where we dance around the issue and turn things
around so that somehow everything that happens is my fault, then I’m standing
up and walking out of here. If you want
to stick to the issue, then by all
means, let’s talk.”
He was silent for a
moment, glaring at her, and she stared determinedly back at him. When it looked as though he was wordlessly
agreeing to her terms, she asked quietly,
“Why did you do
it, James?”
He snorted, then
broke eye contact and directed his gaze at the professor’s table where
thankfully only one person was sitting, engrossed in a book. He was shaking his head as though rejecting
her words, and so she went on, “If he’d said something horrible, at least that
would have been a reason for dragging
him through the mud like that...but he didn’t.”
He looked back at
her and stated firmly, “He has some kind of problem
with me...he has for a long time now. It
was obvious the minute I walked into the room.”
“As I recall, none
of us cheered when you walked in. We
were giving ourselves headaches, we were concentrating so hard on getting that
potion right. And anyway, that isn’t the
point...the point is, you did it on purpose.”
“What?”
“Look,” she began,
rubbing her temple, “I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon. Don’t you think that I would love to provide
you with some kind of excuse in my head?
Don’t you think I’d be relieved if I could think of just one reason Tim deserved the verbal
lashing and public humiliation you gave him today? I would...but I can’t. Not only was it completely unprovoked, but as
I thought back on it...James, you
provoked him.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yes...you drew
him into a seemingly innocent conversation, and then you used his own words to
tear him apart. It was deliberate, and
it was a horrible thing to do. I
just...I can’t reconcile the person I saw in you today with the person I
thought was...”
She hesitated, and
he prodded, “Was what?”
She looked him in
the eye as she finished, “Getting to be a very close friend of mine.”
He didn’t react
violently, but she could see it in his eyes...that stung him. He was hurt, and as usual that hurt
manifested itself outwardly as anger.
His eyes narrowed, he leaned over the table and hissed, “I don’t know
where you got your definition of friendship, but from what I’ve learned all my
life it’s a matter of loyalty. You don’t
write off your friends when they do things you don’t approve of...you accept their flaws, because it’s worth
it. If you can’t do that – if you can’t
handle the aspects of my personality that you don’t understand or can’t find
somewhere within yourself – then maybe it’s you
that’s rubbish.”
Touché, she
thought wryly as the sting from his harsh evaluation pierced her. Sighing, she decided it wasn’t worth it to
continue hurting each other...it wouldn’t solve anything, and who knows what
kind of damage would be done when they finished. Leaning forward so that she could lower her
voice to a near whisper as a couple more stragglers wandered in for a late meal,
she replied, “I think you know how much I appreciate and care about you, and I
can’t imagine that you would need me to remind you.”
This seemed to
catch him off guard...she could literally see his eyes soften as his eyes
roamed her face. She went on, “Being a
good friend also doesn’t mean blindly approving of everything your friend does
if you think it’s wrong...and I think what you did to Tim Connelly today was
wrong.”
He opened his
mouth to speak, then closed it again.
Finally, blowing out a breath, he said in a subdued voice, “I know you
probably don’t see it, Lily...the entire lead up to what happened was so subtle
even Sirius didn’t catch on right away.
The minute I walked into the room, Connelly made it clear he didn’t want
me in there.”
“James...”
“It had nothing to
do with the work he wanted to get done.
He’s had a problem with me for years...we just don’t interact, so it
doesn’t get noticed.”
“James, if it was
so subtle, you could have just ignored it.”
“No,” he insisted,
running his hand through his hair, “I don’t know, I suppose I could have...but
I wouldn’t.”
She contemplated
this for a moment, and he elaborated, “He was trying to belittle me in front
of...other people. You may not approve,
but I stand by what I did...I couldn’t just sit there and take it.”
She considered it
proud and arrogant, and still thought what he did was ultimately cruel...but
how could she argue with this? For all
she knew, she was overreacting...she didn’t know much about it, to be honest. Shrugging, she replied honestly, “Fair
enough...but I still can’t accept it.”
He nodded and said
unenthusiastically, “Fair enough.”
They sat in
silence for a moment, regarding each other, and then he turned his head and
caught sight of something. Sighing, he
stood and walked over to where he had chucked her copy of “Contemporary
Charmwork”. Picking it up off the table
and shaking the creases out, he came back and handed it to her without
apology. She took it without thanks.
He looked at his
watch and frowned. “I have to go...I’m
late.”
“For what?”
“I have to meet with
the other three...bloody hell, I’m late.”
She stood and
gathered her things. “Well, that’s
alright...I was going to go and read the rest of this in bed. I’m tired...we started early this morning.”
He nodded, then
led the way out of the Great Hall. At
the door, they stood looking at each other for a moment, neither one feeling
totally at ease with the resolution – or lack thereof – of their argument. However, this was just one of those things
that was going to have to fade with a little time.
“See you later,”
he said, turning and taking off down the corridor.
“See you,” she
called after him, and then turned in the opposite direction and headed back to
Just as she yawned and thought that perhaps she should call it a night, she heard the dormitory door open with a click and a faint squeak. Her blood froze as she closed her book and leaned forward, every muscle getting ready to spring from the bed as she listened to the rapidly approaching footsteps. Before she could call out to Helen or react in any way whatsoever, her bedcurtains were shoved aside and she was faced with an extremely agitated James Potter. It took her a mere two milliseconds to realize that something was very, very wrong with him.
“What’s happened?”
she demanded.
“Shh,” he
admonished her as he threw a quick glance over at where Helen was sleeping
soundly under the influence of her mild draught, “I need you. Quick.”
“What!?”
“I need your
help.”
His tone didn’t
leave any room for discussion...plus, he had his hand on her wrist and was
quite literally pulling her out of her bed.
He was dirty and his clothes were torn in some places...and her stomach
turned as she got a closer look at him and realized that his white shirt was
also stained with blood.
“Are you hurt?”
she demanded, grabbing his sleeve and pulling it closer to her face, her voice
hard as though she was bracing herself for the truth.
“Come on, hurry,”
he commanded sharply, impatiently disentangling his arm from her grasp and
pulling her dressing gown off of the bedpost where it was hanging, practically
throwing it at her in his haste. She
decided against arguing with him as she got a good look at his eyes...they were
wild with panic, and it frightened her out of her wits to see it. She stood and barely got time to put both
feet in her slippers before he seized her hand and dragged her behind him down
the stairs, out the portrait hole, and through the corridors of the
castle. She didn’t know where they were
going, and her anxiety and anger at his refusal to tell her anything got the
best of her as she demanded again,
“Answer me. Are you hurt?”
“No,” he replied
flatly, looking around as he stepped out into the fairly bright night, still pulling
her behind him. “It’s not my blood.”
His cryptic and
extremely disturbing answer made her stomach turn, and she felt wary about
pressing him further. Once he was a few
paces away from the castle, she got the breath jolted out of her as he broke into
a full sprint, his hand still painfully gripping hers. She broke into a sweat as she tried valiantly
to keep up with his longer strides, but she wasn’t as athletic as he was and he
was making no concessions to that fact.
At some point she stumbled as she lost a slipper and she tried to slow
down as if to go back for it, but he wouldn’t have it.
“Come on, dammit!”
he snapped urgently, hauling her up, and she resolutely kicked off the other
one as well, hoping like mad she wouldn’t step on any rocks in her bare feet as
they kept running in the direction of the Quidditch pitch. Thankfully for him, she was much to harried
and scared to be angry. After what
seemed like forever and just when she was thinking she was going to have to
force him to slow down so that she could catch her breath, he rounded a corner
near the stands and she found herself standing in front of the supply
shed. After a quick glance around, he
opened the door and grasped her by the arms, pushing her inside ahead of him.
“Lumos,” he murmured,
making his way across the small room.
He’d let go of her by now, and she struggled to avoid tripping over
anything as she squinted into the dark room...the only illumination came from
the moonlight streaming through a single, small window. Her stomach twisted as she was finally able
to make out what she was seeing.
Sirius Black was
lying prostrate on a bench, breathing heavily and erratically. His clothes were soaked with something, and
Lily knew that it was blood. She just
knew it. As she strode over to him, she
could smell it...the air in the place was hot and stuffy, and there was no
ventilation coming through.
“My God,” she said
in an undertone, frowning and rubbing her forehead, “What happened?”
“I need you fix
it,” James insisted, ignoring her question, and she turned and balked at him,
her eyes narrowed as she tried to read his face in the dim light.
“You’re joking.”
“Does this look
funny to you?” he replied, agitated and obviously beside himself with concern
for his friend. She shook her head,
ignoring all this and trying to think rationally.
“He needs to go to
the hospital.”
“NO,” Sirius
panted suddenly, his voice cracking through the darkness of the shed like a
whip, “No hospital.”
She spun to face
him, only to find his eyes closed as he dealt with whatever pain he was
feeling. “You need to be seen by Madam
Pomfrey...”
Now his voice came
in a near snarl as he interrupted angrily, “Don’t you DARE call the bloody
nurse.”
James, still
addressing her as though this conversation wasn’t happening, repeated, “You
have to patch him up.”
“Are you mad!?”
she exclaimed, rounding on him furiously, “Look
at him, for God’s sake! I can’t...”
“Yes, you can,”
James broke in, stepping forward so that he was standing right in front of her,
his voice softer as though he was trying to coax her into doing it, “You’re
brilliant with charmwork, you always have been.
I can’t do it, but you can.”
She shook her head
even as she crossed over to where Sirius lay and determinedly pulled his shirt
open. Grimacing, she took out her wand
out. “Lumos.”
Holding it close
to his torn skin, she could see plainly now that there were lacerations
everywhere...even on his face. She
didn’t know how serious they were, but she knew she shouldn’t be agreeing to
this. It was way out of the realm of
student capability...and even if she could do it, it wasn’t her place.
“What if something
happens? What if I make it worse?” she
asked, her voice steely as she looked across at James. He shook his head and replied,
“You were never
here. No one would know.”
“I’d
know.”
They stared at
each other for a long moment in tense silence.
Then, against her better judgment, she waved James over.
“Hold your wand
here so that I can see what I’m doing...if that even makes a difference.”
He obeyed
instantly. She closed her eyes and blew
out a breath, mumbling to herself,
“Okay...okay, I need to remember...the simple healing charms, I don’t
have time to remember the others...nothing complicated...”
Within seconds she
was carefully sealing Black’s wounds as best she could with her limited
experience, shocking herself with her ability to keep a steady hand under this
kind of pressure. After a few minutes of
total concentration, and after she’d become a bit more confident that she at
least wasn’t going to do him any further damage, she demanded, “I want you to
tell me what the hell happened.”
Neither of them
spoke, and she looked up and met James’ eyes with a steady gaze. “Answer me.”
James’ eyes moved
slowly from her to Sirius, who had opened his eyes at her question. Now he had his black eyes narrowed at James
as he warned dangerously, “Don’t you dare.”
James
swallowed. “She’s repairing your ripped
up body, mate.”
“I said no,” Sirius repeated, his voice cold and
resolute.
Lily felt her
anger rapidly approaching the boiling point...the situation was simply too
dire, too absurd, for her to be tactful.
Gritting her teeth as she pinched one of Black’s wounds closed and
positioned her wand, she decided to forgo the games and asked, “Where is he
now?”
They both looked
at her, and Sirius grunted through the pain, “Who the hell are you talking
about?”
“Don’t treat me
like I’m daft!” she snapped lividly, “Remus.
Where is he now?”
“What’s he got to
do with anything?” Sirius shot back, and Lily replied,
“He did this to
you, didn’t he?”
Nothing but total
silence followed her blunt assumption, but she could practically hear
everyone’s minds working as she finished with one wound and swiped at the
perspiration on her forehead before moving on to the next. Finally, Sirius spoke.
“Why would you
think Remus had anything to do with this?”
He tried to sound
irritable, but he was taken aback, and it was evident in his tone. Shaking her head, Lily replied harshly, “Stop it.
I know everything already.”
“What’s
everything?” Sirius shot back.
“Look,” she
explained, swiping at her forehead again, “I’ve known for a long time. Just tell me one thing...is he confined, or
is he roaming out there somewhere where he’s a danger to himself or others?”
Another silence
followed this, but it was merely the eye of the hurricane. All at once, it was as though the place had
exploded...Sirius heaved himself to a sitting position, jarring Lily’s wand and
causing a huge red mark on what was previously healthy flesh. He was bellowing at James, who was still
glaring at Lily in confusion.
“Why the bloody
hell would you tell her about
that!? It wasn’t your secret to tell,
you arrogant bastard!”
James snapped out
of his thoughts and rounded on Sirius, his eyes blazing behind his glasses. “Shut up...you have no idea what you’re
talking about, dammit. I haven’t said
anything about that to her!”
“Of all the
irresponsible, pig-headed, selfish...”
“I’ve just told
you, you bloody idiot! I would never betray that to anyone...I don’t care
who...”
Lily couldn’t
stand it any longer...she was getting a headache, and was watching as Sirius
created more pain for himself and more work for her by becoming
overwrought. Holding her hands up, she
cried, “Will you just STOP!?”
Sirius turned to her
and snarled, “You can keep your
bloody mouth shut...this isn’t any of your concern.”
At this, James
completely lost his temper. “We made it her concern when we asked her to
help us, and you’d best remember that, you ungrateful wanker!.”
“Look, no one TOLD
me,” she interrupted furiously, “I figured it out a long time ago! I mean, is that so hard to believe,
considering I’ve read entire books on the subject of lycanthropy? It’s actually pretty obvious to anyone who
can read the clues correctly...so lay back down and let me finish this, or
you’re going to pass out from blood loss.”
Sirius glared at
her for a moment longer, then slowly and reluctantly did as she said. Once she was back to work, she asked again,
“So, where is he?”
A pause, then
James replied quietly, “He’s confined.”
“Like an animal,
right?” Sirius added bitterly, then winced as Lily lifted his arm to check his
side for cuts.
Lily shook her
head in frustration. “I can’t believe
this...I can’t believe you would take this risk. Animagi or no, I...”
“Right,” Sirius
interrupted, throwing a triumphant look at James, “Apparently there are some things you’ll betray.”
James was quiet
for a moment as he looked out the window at the moon, and then he said simply,
“I told her about me, that’s all. She
must have figured out the rest.”
“Stop talking
about me like I’m not here,” Lily complained, then a thought hit her and she
asked, “Where’s Peter?”
They looked at
each other, and then James replied, “We don’t know.”
“Well, is he
hurt?”
Sirius snorted. “Hurt?
He didn’t have time to get hurt.
Ran away so fast he was a blur...bloody coward.”
“You don’t know,”
James defended his missing friend, “He could be...”
“He’s not,
alright?” Sirius insisted, his voice rising in pain as Lily gingerly folded a
loose flap of skin over to cover the open wound that was exposed. Wanting to change the subject, as it was
clear James was worried about Peter, Lily continued on the previous topic.
“It wasn’t too
hard to put together. But animagi or no,
this was totally irresponsible. When I
think of how much worse it could have been...”
“Oh, spare us,
Head Girl!” Sirius snapped, and Lily shot back,
“You could have
been killed! Or someone else...someone who had nothing to
do with it! You should be thanking God that this is all that happened!”
Wisely, Sirius
didn’t reply to that, and she didn’t persue the matter. She’d gotten her point across. After another three-quarters of an hour
working steadily, Lily finally managed to close up most of the more serious
abraisions. Standing back and looking
him over, she said worriedly, “I really
wish you’d let me get someone...”
“No,” James cut
her off, giving his head a shake, “No one else can know. It’s fine...you managed to get it under
control.”
“But those
bruises...and there could be infection...”
“We’ll deal with
that if it happens,” Sirius said as he made an effort to sit up, “Just...get me
back to the Tower...”
He was obviously
exhausted and still in no small amount of pain, so James hoisted him off the
bench and helped him walk to the door.
As they were about to go out, Lily started and said, “Oh...the bloodstains...we can’t leave them.”
Turning, she
performed a swift cleaning on the small shed, hoping that she’d gotten it
all. Resolving herself to the fact that
she was going to have to find a way to get back there in the morning to make
sure and thanking God there was no game scheduled for tomorrow, she turned back
toward the door and followed James and a limping Sirius Black out into the
night. As they walked back to the
castle, Lily prayed that no one saw them...it would be over, everything would
be over. Not only was she worried about
someone seeing them, but she couldn’t help feeling extremely frightened as the
full moon beat down on their heads. She
hoped they were right about Remus being confined...because they may be amimagi, but she had no such defense. The thought sent a chill creeping up her
spine and she shivered as she pushed it out of her mind.
After what seemed
like forever due to the slow pace they were taking in deferrence to Black’s
condition, they finally got to
“Where are you
going?” she asked, jumping to her feet.
“I have to do
something,” he replied shortly, and she ran over and grabbed his arm before he
could go.
“What?”
He tried to shrug her
off, and she became angry all over again.
Dropping his arm, she declared resolutely, “If you walk through that
portrait hole, I swear I’ll get the nurse.”
He froze, then
spun around. “What?”
“You heard
me...I’ll find the nurse. Or whoever
will come.”
For a moment he
looked as though he was going to slap her.
“You can’t mean that you’d actually...”
“I would...don’t
test me.”
James stood in
stunned silence for a moment, and then he swore viciously and spat, “Of all the
petty, disloyal...they’re all in this
bind because of ME! It’s MY bloody
fault! I was late in meeting them
because I stupidly felt that I had to go and settle a sodding argument I was
having with YOU about something I said to that bloody PONCE Tim Connelly!”
“I won’t have you
getting hurt!” she burst out angrily, ignoring his pointed insults, “I won’t be
patching up your blood-soaked body
next! Not if I can stop it from
happening!”
This effectively
stopped his tirade. Blinking, obviously
caught off guard, he replied, “I won’t get hurt.”
“How can you know that?”
“Because,” he
yelled, obviously at the end of his patience with the entire night, “He doesn’t
hurt us when we’re not in human form!”
“Fine then, tell
me something,” she shot back, her patience waning as well, “When Sirius was nearly
torn to pieces, was he really Sirius or was he Padfoot!?”
Now he was the one
who looked as though he’d been slapped.
He blew out a frustrated breath and ran both hands through his hair,
glancing frantically at the portrait hole.
Finally, he said in a more subdued voice, “Look...I won’t go to
Remus. You’re right...there’s nothing I
can do now. I just...I have to go find
Peter...”
“No, James...NO.”
“Lily, for all I
know he got trampled!” he implored,
stepping closer to her and leaning down a bit so that they were eye to eye, “I
have to go and make sure he’s alright...I told
you, Remus is back where he belongs.
Before, with Sirius...that was a fluke.
I won’t even go near him.”
She regarded him
for a long moment, then said, “You promise you won’t put yourself in danger?”
“I swear to you I
won’t go near him.”
She sighed, then
nodded and said, “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
He didn’t
reply...he just turned and left. Feeling
like she wanted to just sit down and weep, she went over to the couch and
lowered herself slowly into it. Her head
was pounding, and she leaned back against the cushions...she didn’t know what
she would do if he wasn’t back within the hour, because she most defininitely
had no intention of going up to bed until he got back.
Saying a little
prayer that nothing had happened to poor Peter, she pinched the bridge of her
nose and closed her eyes. She didn’t
even realize that she’d fallen asleep until she woke up again to the sight of
James leaning over her. Stirring
confusedly, she became gradually aware of his hand gently shaking her
awake. Trying to get her eyes to focus
correctly, she asked groggily, “What happened?”
His voice was
almost a whisper as he replied, “I found him.”
“Is everything
alright?”
“Yeah,” he replied
tiredly, sitting down beside her and leaning his head back, “He just went up.”
She nodded and
pushed herself up straight.
“Good...that’s a relief. I knew I
wasn’t going to be able to go to sleep knowing you were still out there.”
He didn’t respond
right away, but he acknowledged her by lightly taking her hand in his. After a moment he said, “I know you think
we’re idiots.”
She didn’t answer,
mostly because she didn’t know how. She did think they were idiots to take such
a risk, much less multiple times, but this was hardly the time to express
it. She was simply relieved that
everyone had gotten back safe and sound...with the exception of Remus, and she
comforted herself by remembering that he’d been dealing with the problem all
his life. When she didn’t say anything,
James closed his eyes and went on,
“It’s hard to
explain the reasons behind it, because they make perfect sense to us but I know
they sound ridiculous. We worked so
hard...you have no idea. I’ve never put
so much effort into anything as I did into figuring out how to transfigure
myself. Sirius, too...it was the two of
us, every spare minute we could get, pouring over books and manuals, performing
tests. We were figuring it out for Peter
as well...he’s such a good bloke, Peter.
He just doesn’t have the academic ability to pull a lot of stuff off,
but he makes up for it with loyalty.”
She nodded. “I know.”
Sighing, he
continued, “I felt like I needed to show him – Remus – that he wasn’t such an
outcast. When we really got to know him,
it was like he’d resigned himself to the fact that he was never going to live a
normal life...hell, that he was never going to live at all. No friends, no girls who would have him...it
really bothered me, thinking about that.
That’s why we did it...and that’s why we’ve continued to do it.”
She didn’t know
what to say, so she simply gave his hand a little squeeze to show she was
listening. He squeezed back and then
swallowed, his brows drawn together in distress as he told her his deepest
feelings about his best-kept secret. His
voice cracked a bit as he concluded, “I can’t explain to you what it’s
like...when we’re in our animagi forms.
It’s like...you’re the same person, but you exist in a completely
different reality. When we’d transfigure
ourselves for that one night a month, it was as though we could get away from
whatever stresses were in our lives at the time and just...exist. And Remus...he could feel as though there was
less of a void between his life and ours, because we could sympathize with him
better than most. That’s why we did
it...and maybe we are idiots, but we were trying to do some good for someone.”
Finally, he
stopped. Taking a breath and thinking
about all of this for a moment, she looked at him...and then decided not to
speak. Not tonight. His voice had dwindled to a near whisper as
he’d expounded on all this, and now he was breathing steadily...he was falling
asleep. Wanting him to at least get a
couple of hours in before he had to get up again, she reached out and squeezed
his shoulder. “James...”
His eyes flickered
open, and she stood and said, “James...come on.”
“What?”
“You need to get
to bed for a bit...you’re exhausted,” she insisted, feeling exhausted herself
as she leaned down and pulled him up by his arm. He nodded, rubbing his eyes under his
glasses, and she kept her hold on his arm as they went up the stairs to the
landing where they would go into their separate dorms. Once there, she asked, “Are you going to be
alright?”
He looked at her
and nodded, then took her face in both of his hands.
“Thank you,” he
said softly, his voice completely drained of energy but genuine and undisguised
in its expression of his utter gratitude.
Now that there was nothing else for him to worry about getting done or
getting fixed, it was almost as though he was hovering on the edge of a
breakdown...she wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d burst into tears right
then and there. Instead, he Leaned down
and he pressed his lips heavily to her cheek.
She felt a shiver work its way up her arms despite herself as his chin
stubble scratched her jaw, and he didn’t pull away.
His breath tickled
her face as he sighed tiredly and lowered his forehead to rest against hers,
completely exhausted. Beginning to worry
that he might fall asleep right then and there, she took a breath to say that
he should go up at the same moment he turned his head so that their noses
grazed each other. Taking a step closer
to her, his hands still on either side of her face, he kissed her gently on the
mouth. She didn’t pull away...somehow
it didn’t feel wrong. It had been a
grueling couple of hours, and she was as filled with relief to have it over and
everyone safe as he was with gratitude and guilt over the entire thing...him
giving her a light kiss just didn’t feel like an inappropriate expression of
all this.
It became clear,
however, that they were acting under the fogged judgement of emotional strain
as the seconds ticked by and he didn’t pull away. When they should have broken it off, James
deepened it...and it was soon clear that there was no longer any way to imagine
that it was completely platonic. A line
had been crossed. She knew she should be pushing him off...not kissing
him back. Not becoming swept up in the
moment. Certainly not thinking that she
could give herself just a few more minutes before she had to wake up and face a
reality where this was not acceptable between them. He kissed her deeply, open-mouthed,
languidly...and Lily let him. She let
him stroke her tongue with his and lost herself in the feel of his breath on
her lips until finally, as naturally and unhurriedly as it had begun, it
ended. He pulled away and rested his
forehead in the crook of her neck as they both worked to breathe normally.
After a few
moments, when Lily’s heart had slowed a bit from its previously frantic pace,
she put her hand on his shoulder. He
lifted his head and looked at her, then abruptly closed his eyes, his brows
drawn together.
“I’m sorry. God...”
he began hurriedly, a bit desperately, as though snapping out of a daze.
“No, it’s fine,”
she interrupted him quietly.
“Lily, I’m...I
don’t know what...”
“James,” she
assured him sincerely, “Don’t worry...you’ve had enough stress for one night,
alright? Just...don’t worry about it.”
He didn’t respond
to this in any other way but by swallowing and continuing to shake his head as
he brought both hands up to cover his face.
Stricken, afraid he was going to start sobbing in his obvious
overwhelming frustration and self-loathing, she took his wrists and pulled his
hands away from his face so that he’d have to look her in the eye. She didn’t
want this to become one more thing to chip at his already fragile grip on
himself, so she insisted, “Please get some rest...you need it. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
He nodded
despondantly, and she asked again, “You’ll be alright?”
“Yeah,” he replied
gruffly.
She gave his arm a
squeeze before turning to go up to her own dorm, hoping he wouldn’t be playing
this over in his mind now along with everything else. He felt guilty about Remus, about Peter and
Sirius...and now he didn’t need one more thing to hate himself for. She understood his mindset and she was fully
aware of what had led up to that kiss, and she knew that he fully regretted it
now. Creeping into her dorm and crawling
back into bed, Lily ended up thinking about it long and hard before she could
even begin to feel settled enough to sleep.
She hadn’t wanted
it...she didn’t think she would do it again.
Still, it had felt right at the time.
It had been like nothing else she’d ever experienced, like a melding of
two people’s tension and angst into a physical outpouring of comfort and
gratitude...tempered with an unavoidable, if surprising, surge of physical
attraction. It had been an experience
that could only exist in a moment like that...when she was still half-asleep
and he was wracked with guilt, and they’d both been through so much in a mere
couple of hours.
Really, it wasn’t
all that hard to understand...the factors were very clear. As for the physical response she’d felt, she
was surprising herself by not feeling all that apprehensive about it. They were closer than they’d ever expected to
be to each other. Over the course of the
year, they had been through a lot of suffering and shared many of their deepest
insecurities and secrets. The fact that,
in a moment of vulnerability, they should stumble upon the fact that they just
so happened to be members of the opposite sex...it just didn’t seem all that
unusual to her.
It probably
happened all the time...she’d never had a close friend who was a boy before, so
she didn’t know for sure. All she knew
was that it didn’t have to change anything if they didn’t want it to
change.
Finally turning
over, unable to keep her eyes open, she just hoped she could convey all this to
him when she saw him next.
To Be Continued in
Chapter Eleven
More Fic by Emmyjean at
The Hidden Tower
www.thehiddentower.net