TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she’d always thought she’d known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE. 

 

 

 

CHAPTER TEN:  Testing the Limits

 

 

Lily slowly opened her eyes, feeling like she was on fire.  Sitting up, she gingerly brought her hand up to wipe the blood from her mouth just as Dumbledore’s voice broke through the ringing in her ears.

“Excellent, Potter.  In a desperate situation, that curse would buy you the time you’d need to look for an escape route...or at least position yourself better for a duel.  Are you alright, Miss Evans?”

Lily nodded, the corners of her mouth turning slightly upward as she caught James’ eye.  “Yes...I’m fine.  It was a good hit.”

“Now, Miss Evans,” Dumbledore continued above the din being caused by the rest of the class as they practiced their dueling skills, “I must congratulate you on keeping hold of your wand...in an intense duel that could mean the difference between life and death.  What could you have done to prevent that hit?”

As he asked the question, he reached a hand down to help her to her feet.  Standing and brushing herself off, a bit impressed herself at the fact that her wand was still gripped tightly in her hand, she replied, “I got distracted...Tim had just bumped into me and I turned my head.”

“Exactly,” he replied, then raised his voice so that the whole group could hear him, “When involved in a situation where you are fighting for your life, it requires total concentration.  In that moment, the only things whose existence you care about are yourself and your opponent...oh, and both of your wands, as well.”

A ripple of laughter went through the class, and Dumbledore continued, “While we’re on the subject, I want to say a few things about wands.  As you all well know if you happened to purchase your wands from Mr. Ollivander, the wand chooses the wizard...or witch.  This is no small bit of information...it means that your wand is not merely a tool or a weapon.  It is your tool, your weapon...and also your most trusted ally in dangerous circumstances.  You and your wand together possess strength is certain areas, and are not as formidable in others.  It is your responsibility to know these strengths and weaknesses, and in battle, how well you know the capabilities of your wand as it is used by you – it’s wizard – can save your life.”

There was a silence after Dumbledore was finished speaking as everyone pondered what he had said to them.  Lily absently swiped the last bit of blood from her lip as she stood there contemplating, and after a moment Dumbledore looked at the old clock on his desk.

“Oh, my...it’s already past eleven o’clock.  You are all dismissed, and get a good night’s rest...you have your lessons tomorrow.”

Tim gave him an incredulous look and asked, “Professor, couldn’t we have a pass?  At least for the first lesson of the day?”

Dumbledore winked at him and turned to leave, calling, “Aurors do not receive passes, Mr. Connelly.  Consider it part of your training.”

A few people laughed and there were some sighs as everyone collected their things.  Lily calculated it in her head...if she were to head straight back to the dorms and go straight to bed, she’d get about six and a half hours of sleep.  A voice broke through her thoughts as she hoisted her unusually large pile of books onto her hip.

“What are all those?”

She glanced up at James, who was slinging his bag over his shoulder and nodding at her books.  She smiled a bit sheepishly and replied, “Yeah, well...perhaps I did go overboard a bit.  I realized today that I haven’t been to the library in almost a month.”

James frowned.  “What are you talking about?  We have the meeting there every week.”

“No, I mean I haven’t really been there...to take out books or anything.  The meetings don’t count...in fact, they make it worse, because I can’t even say I didn’t have time to go.”

James blew out a huff of laughter as they made their way down the corridors to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius following behind them.  “Whatever you say.  Here, let me take some of those.”

She let him relieve her of a couple of the bigger volumes.  “Thanks.”

He nodded, then said, “Hey, listen...sorry about that lip.”

Lily cut him off.  “Oh, please...don’t apologize.  It was a great hit!  Anyway, it was payback for that gash on your face.”

James’ brow furrowed as he reached a hand up to his jaw and felt the cut she’d given him earlier in the dueling session.  “Huh...I forgot all about that.”

A chuckle sounded from behind them and they both turned to find Sirius grinning wolfishly at James.  “Yeah...you won’t forget about it ever again.  It looks like it’s going to leave a huge scar.”

Frowning, James replied, “Right, and you’d know.”

“You think I’m joking?” Sirius asked solemnly, even though it was clear he was joking, “I’m serious...”

“Piss off,” James shot over his shoulder, even though he was starting to smile.

Lily shrugged, “Well...I was enjoying it.”

“Speaking of enjoyable activities,” Sirius mentioned, “We might want to pick a time when we can finish that blasted potion.  I, for one, wouldn’t mind spending a solid afternoon on it if it meant we could be done with it.”

“Sounds fine to me,” Lily replied, “I wanted to get it done before the NEWTS anyway.”

“Good, let’s do it Sunday.”

Okay, good.”

They walked in silence for a moment before James mumbled, “Ours is finished already.”

Lily tutted and Sirius snorted, growling, “I wouldn’t be proud of this...it means you have a poor excuse for a social life.”

James quirked a brow and said, “I don’t know what that says about you, then, because you are my social life.”

They laughed, and then walked in companionable silence the rest of the way to the Tower.  It felt like there was a piece missing without Arabella, but somehow Lily didn’t miss her as much as she would have thought...she supposed it was because she knew Arabella was already out there, preparing to make a difference.  Lily envied her more than anything else, and she felt so grateful to Dumbledore for subtly acknowledging the reality of the circumstances surrounding that fight.   He knew as well as Lily herself did that Arabella was a strong, independent, intellegent witch who would excel at whatever she threw herself into, and the Ministry should be thanking their stars that she was going to be on their side.

At the base of the dormitory staircase they said goodnight and parted ways, and Lily was glad to crawl into her bed...her chest was still sore from being hit by that curse.  Wasting no time, she turned over and fell asleep.

 

                ~~

 

The next day was fairly uneventful.  As she sat through her lessons, she couldn’t take her mind off of the articles in the Daily Prophet she’d read over breakfast...talking about the increasing danger, the Ministry, how no one quite knew what was going to happen next.  It was all very frightening, but somehow it made Lily want to be involved.  Part of it was due to the massive void her parents deaths had left in her life and the intense loss she felt when she thought of them, but it was also because she truly believed she could possibly make a difference.  As guilty as she felt about it, she couldn’t help thinking that all of this – their lessons and Hogwarts – just wasn’t as important as it had once been.  She felt she’d outgrown the place, and she just wanted to get out of there and go do something real.

The only class she fully appreciated anymore was Dumbledore’s class, and that wasn’t even a normal lesson.  She simply had to continue to get through the days and focus on her NEWTS so that she could at least feel that she’d always done her best when she finally walked out of the castle for the last time at the end of this year...and as impatient as she felt to have that happen, it was still a sad thought.

Later that night, she sat in the common room with Helen, who was talking to her about something that had happened in Potions.   Lily wasn’t listening...she was staring at her friend’s blonde head and wondering why she hadn’t confided in her more, since Arabella had gone.  Lily contemplated hers and Helen’s entire relationship as she waited for James to get back from Quidditch practice.   She didn’t quite know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, she and Helen had grown in different directions.  They’d shared a dorm since the beginning of their time at Hogwarts...but over time Helen had mostly made friends with the Hufflepuffs, and Arabella and Lily had formed an unusually strong bond.  It wasn’t that Helen wasn’t her friend...but Lily kept the deepest and darkest of her secrets and thoughts for Arabella only.

No, not Arabella only, she corrected herself.  Now James as well.  Life was truly strange.

After what seemed like forever, James came through the portrait hole with the rest of the team, wet from the rain.  His eyes scanned the room and immediately found her, then he walked over and stopped in front of her. 

“Hey...d’you want to go for a walk?”

Lily glanced at Helen, who was now speaking with a couple of sixth year girls, and then frowned back up at him.  “Now?”

He smiled a little and replied, “Has to be now.  I’ve got to do something.”

“What?”

Raising his eyebrows at her, he asked, “Do you want to go or not?”

Lily shrugged and followed James’ lead out the portrait hole.

“Alright, come on...what is it?”

“Hmm?” he murmured, still smiling and refusing to look at her.

Heaving a frustrated sigh that was only half genuine, she asked, “What is it you have to do?”

Giving his head a shake, he replied, “See, this is quite the predicament for me, because if I tell you now you might turn right back around and refuse to come with me.”

This heightened her curiosity, if not her enthusiasm.  “Well, as confident as that makes me feel, I’d still like to make this important decision based on facts and not guesswork...so would you please spit it out?”

Laughing and finally giving in, he glanced at her and confessed, “It’s my turn to clean the Quidditch shed.”

Nodding, she made a face and turned on her heel.  He laughed harder and caught her arm, pleading, “Come on...I swear I’ll make it fun.”

Facing him again, she asked, “How could you possibly make that job fun?”

He shrugged.  “If there’s anyone who could, it’s me.  Please?”

“I don’t understand why you have to do this right now!” she protested, glancing out the window at the fading twilight.

“Oh, and you had something better to do, Miss Bookworm?”

Narrowing her eyes to slits in mock annoyance, she replied, “At least a book would provide me with good company.”

He winced and put a hand to his chest.  “Ouch, Evans.  That hurt.”

She shook her head and started walking again, never having had any intention of turning back.  “I suppose I should give you an opportunity to prove me wrong.”

Following behind her, he replied, “Right...thanks a lot.”

She slowed so he could catch up, but he still remained a step behind her.  Glancing over her shoulder, she said, “Well, come on!  Don’t lag behind.”

He grinned at her and quickly caught up.  “Sorry.  Now d’you see why I had to bring you?  Where would I be otherwise?”

“Stop making fun.”

Glancing at her, he replied, “I’m not.”

Once they were well on their way to the pitch, she turned and gazed at the silhouette of the castle against the darkening sky.  “Do you remember the first time you saw it?”

“What?”

“Hogwarts.”

“Sure,” he replied, turning to glance at it as well, “Everyone does.  I was...maybe four years old.”

She looked up at him in surprise as they continued walking.  “Four?”

Nodding, he explained,  “My dad used to be on some committee...I don’t know what it was, but it had something to do with the rebuilding projects they had to coordinate right after the Grindelwald era.  I used to go with him sometimes when I was a young boy.”

 “Really?”

“Yeah...you know how you go back to a place that you visited when you were a kid, and it seems so much smaller when you experience it as an adult?”

“Yeah...I do.”

He paused for a moment, his eyes scanning the horizon, before finishing, “It never happened with Hogwarts.  It never lost anything as I grew up...it never seemed to diminish at all.  But lately...is it just me, or is the place starting to feel a bit claustrophobic?

“Yeah,” she agreed, relief coarsing through her unexpectedly as she received confirmation that she was not the only one who felt held back, “I feel it, too.  All I want to do these days is get out of here.  Everything just seems so...”

She hesitated, and he provided, “Pointless?”

“Yes, exactly.  I just can’t stand sitting in class anymore.”

Smirking, he replied, “I know.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you spend so much time staring wistfully out the window...and if you’re not doing that, you’re looking at your watch.”

Lily shrugged, a bit red-faced.  “I can’t help it.  There’s so much to worry about now.  Hearing the details of how juniper berries aid in the soothing of a pixie bite just doesn’t seem to hold the appeal it once did.”

Raising an eyebrow, James replied, “Right, well...I never would have found that appealing, but I know what you mean.”

She tutted, and they walked on in silence for a moment.  She enjoyed the mild breeze and mused over whatever came into her head, and then a thought struck her.  Looking over at him, she noted quietly, “I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me about your family before.”

He seemed a bit surprised at the sudden comment, but soon recovered and shrugged.  “There’s not much to tell.   My Mum and Dad are just the same as they’ve always been.  I don’t have any brothers or sisters, so ever since I was a boy, my parents have simply expected me to succeed...and I made sure I did.  I knew it was what they wanted.”

She took this opportunity to comment in an exaggeratedly bitter voice, “Maybe that’s why you’re so effortlessly good in your lessons.”

“No,” he replied wryly, smiling over at her, “That’s because I’m a genius.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed as he continued, “I mean, I had my rebellious streak.  I reckoned that if I was going to work my arse off for top marks, I was at least entitled to break every rule in the book while I did it.”

“I know,” she said dryly, “I was the one doling out the punishment.”

He looked down at her and grinned wolfishly, “Yeah, you thought you were punishing me.  Half the time I broke the rules just so that you would come and tell me off.”

He seemed abominably smug about this.  “Excuse me?”

“Well...first I fancied you, so it was a way to get attention.  Then I hated you so I wanted a fight.  Either way...”

“Either way, you’re a git.”

He snorted, then fell into silence. It seemed as if he was done with the conversation and wasn’t going to say anything more.  She, however, wasn’t quite satisfied...it was dawning on her just how little she knew about his life, and she wanted to persue it for a bit longer as long as the subject had already been broached.

“Sirius speaks well of them, anyway,” she observed, glancing furitively up at him.  He looked down at her, and she quickly looked back down at the path they were treading to the pitch.

“Does he?”

She nodded, and he prodded lightly, “When?”

“Not often...just once, actually.  It was something he said one day when we were working on that potion...I can’t even remember exactly what it was.”

James nodded, eyebrows raised a bit.  He looked a little astonished that Sirius would bring it up at all, and she wondered if perhaps she shouldn’t have said it, even though it was the truth.  When he spoke again, though, he merely sounded pensive.

“I know Sirius respects my parents...well, as much as he can, anyway.  He’s not much for authority figures.”

“Really?” she asked sarcastically, “I would never have guessed.”

He shot her a look, and then went on, “Still...he’s not really one to judge.  His family are a load of nutters.  You knew Bellatrix well enough, so that should give you some idea.”

Lily was shocked.  “Yes, I...as much as I cared to know her, anyway.  I sort of thought that she was the black sheep...”

“No,” he interrupted firmly, his voice hard, “Sirius is most definitely the odd one.  He’s been practically disowned...the whole lot of them have always taken great pride in being connected with Slytherin at Hogwarts.”

Lily nodded, realization dawning and making her feel more than a little sorry at how she’d apparently always underestimated Sirius Black’s complexity.  “So...I imagine, then, that it wasn’t welcome news when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor.”

James laughed and quirked a brow at her.  “You could say that, yeah.  Anyway, my parents always let me bring him to spend holidays with us...and they were always very good to him.”

They’d arrived at the shed, and as James opened the door a cloud of dust choked her.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding,” she muttered as she stepped through the door into the musty space.  He illuminated the small torches on the walls, bathing the room in light, and she could see that there was quite a bit of work to be done.  He turned and looked at her, then laughed at the look on her face.

“Relax...I’ll do the work, you just sit down.  Here’s a bench.”

He bent, grabbing hold of a rickety wooden bench that had been pushed against the wall and hauling it over to her.  Setting it down, he shrugged and commented, “Looks comfortable, right?”

“Yeah...lovely,” she replied sarcastically, but sat down anyway.  As he began by organizing the equipment, she thought about continuing with the conversation about his family.  She felt insatiable...now that she knew a little, she wanted to know everything.  After all, she reasoned, he knew everything there was to know about her life beyond Hogwarts.   Feeling a bit out of her element talking about something that she knew nothing about, she commented,  “Why don’t you ever talk about your family?”

He was pulling a bundle of brooms from where they’d been unceremoniously deposited in the corner.  Picking one up and examining it, he asked distractedly, “Don’t I?”

Thinking maybe she shouldn’t be doing this, she pressed, “No, you don’t.”

Pulling his wand out of his back pocket and starting to trim the bristles, he shrugged.  “I don’t know...like I said, there’s not much to say about them.  They’re...kind of boring, actually.  I love them and all, and they’re good people, but...you know.  They can be a bit stiff...a bit cold.”

She frowned.  “Compared to what?”

He glanced up and met her eyes momentarily before returning his attention to his work.  “Well, yours, for a start.”

She felt only a small pang of sadness, and she knew it was tempered by the tone of his voice.  He wasn’t trying to make her sad...he was just talking.  She responded to it well, but blew out a huff of laughter and said a bit cynically, “Well, that’s horrible, seeing as how I don’t have one anymore.”

He raised his eyes to really look at her now, his gaze direct and sincere.  “But you did...and from what you’ve told me, they seemed a million times more tolerant and supportive than my parents.”

Shaking her head, she replied earnestly, “Every family is different...it doesn’t mean one is better or worse.  My family...well, you know all about me and my sister.  There’s certainly nothing supportive about that.”

“Yeah...but your sister is different...”

“No, I’m different.  That’s her point,” she objected, half-jokingly.

Rolling his eyes, he replied, “Well, different than what, that’s the question.  You’re normal, as far as I’m concerned.”

She couldn’t help smiling a little at this, but she really wanted to change the subject.  She didn’t want to grow melancholy just now, but she’d gotten herself into it...she was the one who’d brought it up, so she figured she should at least finish it.  Looking up at James as he pulled an irritated face at a mess in the cupboard, she declared mildly, “Everyone has their flaws.  Dad, for instance – my dad - he could be an absolute bear.  Petunia’s lads - the ones she occassionally brought home for dinner - used to be scared to death of him.”

“Really?” James asked, his eyes suddenly going alight with interest as he got tired of manual labour and enchanted the tangle of training gear to untangle itself.

 Lily nodded, “He was always shouting.  I don’t know...he’d shout even if he didn’t mean to do it.  He was just a loud man...but not really bombastic, you know.  Anyway, he was always looking around with this glint in his eye, like he was up to something.  Always a plan brewing in his head, some way he was going to get some scheme past my Mum.  Not that it worked, usually.”

James smiled, watching her.  “He sounds great.”

She tried not to get too misty as she replied, “He was.”

Still watching her closely as though trying to gauge if he was about to step over some kind of invisible comfort line, he admitted softly, “I’d like to have met him.”

Touched, she observed, “You remind me of him.”

This seemed to catch him off guard...his face changed, and he blinked at her.  I do?”

She nodded, “Quite a bit, actually.”

To this, he didn’t seem to have any response.  He simply sat there, staring at her.  She finally broke eye contact when the moment became heavy with a tension that she hadn’t anticipated…she hadn’t really thought about it when she’d said it, but it was the truth.   Looking back up, she found his eyes very soft, and still gazing enigmatically at her.  Shrugging a bit shyly, she attempted humor in her inexplicable need to break the moment.

“Now it’s your turn...you can tell me how much I remind you of your mother.”

His face broke into a huge grin at this, and he finally looked down at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck as he replied, “I don’t think I will, thanks.  It’d be a lie, anyway...you’re absolutely nothing like my Mum.”

‘No?”

“No...in fact, you’re not like anybody.”

She furrowed her brows and repeated, “I’m not like anybody?”

He shook his head, looking back up at her with undisguised affection in his expression as he replied, “Nope...you’re the first one of you I’ve met.”

She blushed hard, but hoped he couldn’t see it in the relatively dim light of the shed.  Leave it to James Potter to consistently think of something better.  Better answer, better idea...better compliment.  She stood and walked around to the other side of the room, looking at the various pieces of Quidditch gear that were piled everywhere.  He continued working, but she felt his eyes on her. 

“James?”

“Hmm?”

She hesitated before she asked her question, because she knew she might be out of line...but she had to know, or the curiosity would kill her.  “Sirius’ family...you said they were...”

“Bloody bastards?” he finished, and she looked over her shoulder to find his jaw set and his expression suddenly dark.  She blew out a nervous breath.

“Well...yes.   I just...I mean, I don’t want to say anything bad, but...”

“Lily, just ask.”

It wasn’t said angrily, just slightly impatiently.  She screwed up her courage and asked, “Do you think they’re involved?  With...with everything they keep writing about in the Prophet?”

James paused before answering her question, and she prayed that he wasn’t offended.  When he finally did reply, though, his response was flat and without indignance, “I’m sure they are.”

She turned to face him, her courage bolstered.  “Has he said they are?”

He shook his head, standing and walking towards her.  “No...he wouldn’t know.  He doesn’t talk to them.”

She looked at him for a long moment before concluding softly, “I can see why he’s your friend.”

James looked as though he wasn’t sure if she was complimenting him or Sirius, but the truth was that she had meant it as a compliment to both of them...and she was tired of this serious talk.  Smiling and walking over to him, she asked, “Alright...what can I do?”

He looked up at her and said, “Nothing...you’re keeping me company.”

“Look, I might as well contribute so it’ll go faster.  Plus, I know you can’t do anything right without my help, so...”

He pulled a face, smiling disbelievingly, and looked up at her again.  “What were you saying earlier?  Something about my being a genius?”

Laughing, she retorted, “I didn’t say that...you did, true to form.  Now come on...give me a job.”

“Other than to shut up?” he asked incorrigibly.  She raised her brows, and he held up his hands and said, “Alright, alright...whatever you say.”

It felt good to finally have him give in to her, and she said a quick thank you to her parents for teaching her to never be afraid of perseverence.

 

~~

 

The following Sunday, when they’d finally gotten through the week, they didn’t even have much of a chance to relax...it was the day they’d agreed upon to finish the potion they were making for Dumbledore’s class, and they’d started early at Lily’s insistance.  Progress was slow, as they had to be very careful with adding the ingredients in exactly the right measurements…and these measurements were odd and hard to perfect. 

She reached across the table and picked up the vial with the blue liquid in it, and then frowned.  Sirius apparently noticed because he responded with a gruff, “What?  What now?”

“Nothing,” she replied, shaking her head, “I just want to make sure we do this the right way.  Hang on, let me just...read this over one more time before we do anything...”

The two boys sat back and watched her as she poured over her recipe page, her brows furrowed in concentration.  She prayed that she didn’t do anything wrong...she knew that she had been the one to take charge of the book, and if anything went awry it would be her fault.  Just as she was starting to feel confident that the blue vial was supposed to come next, she jumped at the sudden sound of the door being pushed open and banging against the stone wall.  Looking up, she beheld James striding over to the table.

“Right,” he said, smirking, “Still not finished, then?”

They all rolled their eyes.

“What does it look like?  Get away, will you?” Sirius said grumpily, but didn’t protest further when James pulled up a chair and sat down, commenting,

“We finished ours a week ago, you know.”

“Yeah, you’ve said that,” Sirius muttered, “Now piss off, will you?  We’re working, here.”

Tim, with only a twinge of annoyance in his voice, eyed his two partners and said mockingly, “Maybe he’s brought us tea.”

James quirked a brow and retorted, “Yeah, and yours is poisoned, Connelly.”

“Well, at least then you’d be useful,” Tim muttered, causing James to raise an eyebrow at him.

James blew out a huff of what sounded like laughter, but Lily was too busy trying to read her own handwriting to care. 

“What are you doing over there, Connelly?” James suddenly asked mildly, his brow furrowed as he leaned over to see what Tim was working on.  Tim looked up from his notes and replied,

“I’m taking down what we’ve done so far.  Keeping track, so that we don’t ruin the thing by doing something twice.”

James nodded, his eyebrows raised.  “Ah...right.  Good thinking.”

Lily looked up from her manual and eyed Tim.  “Well, it doesn’t work if he’s not paying attention, does it?”

Tim glanced up at her.  “What?”

“Did you get that down?  That I just added the lavendar root?”

Tim shook his head and nudged her hip with his elbow.  “Right.  Sorry ‘bout that.”

She laughed and shrugged, then went back to frowning down at the manual.  After a moment, James spoke again, but she only listened with half an ear as she scanned the ingredients they had left.

“You do a lot of writing, don’t you?”

“Hmm?” Tim responded, and James clarified,

“I mean, didn’t I hear you say once that you were interested in persuing journalism or something when you got out of here?”

“Oh, yeah...yeah, I think that’s probably where I’ll end up.”

“So, do you do a lot of writing in your spare time?”

“What’s the matter, Evans?” Sirius addressed her, talking over the conversation between James and Tim.

Shaking her head, she answered, “I don’t think we have everything we need.  Does it matter if we go out of order?”

“Do you keep a journal, then?” James was saying, and Sirius answered her,

“I don’t know...some potions it does, some it doesn’t.  I think this one is pretty complicated...maybe we shouldn’t take chances in going out of order.  It would be weeks worth of work down the drain.”

“Right,” she agreed, “Let me just make sure, then...I’ll do a quick inventory.”

“I don’t know,” Tim said, shrugging at James, “A lot of things.”

“D’you write as though you’re doing articles, like about what’s happening with the Ministry and such all, or...more personal stuff?”

“Both, I guess...I don’t know, whatever strikes me.”

Lily sighed and said, “Will you two shush?  I’m trying to think...”

“Sorry, Lily,” Tim apologized, but James continued in a lowered tone of voice,

“Have you been keeping journals for awhile?”

“Awhile, yeah,” Tim replied, glancing at Lily.

There was a brief pause before James asked, “Could you look back through them and read about important moments in your life?  That would be cool, I think.  I mean, did you write about stuff like...I dunno, the first night you spent at Hogwarts or your OWLS results?”

Tim furrowed his eyebrows and cast James a puzzled look, then replied laughingly, “Yeah, I suppose...bloody hell, Potter, I don’t know.  I don’t remember.”

Lily glanced up to ask Sirius a question, but found him eyeing James suspiciously.  She’d just followed his gaze to James’ strangely impassive face when suddenly James asked Tim,  “Did you write about the first time you had it off with a girl?”

It was as though someone had just cursed the entire group...Sirius and Lily stood staring in different levels of shock at James, Lily not believing she’d heard correctly.  However, she couldn’t hold onto that for long as Tim said in a dangerous voice,

“Sorry?”

James regarded Tim coldly, the corner of his mouth starting to turn up in a self-satisfied smile as he replied, “Ah...right, sorry.  Didn’t mean to imply that you’d gotten there yet.”

The silence thickened to unbearable proportions as Tim slowly leaned forward, and before he could respond, James dealt the final blow in his unexpected verbal assault.

“Or...that you were even interested.  Maybe you prefer blokes.”

Tim was on his feet in an instant, and James and Sirius both stood at the same time.  Lily remained seated, looking in disbelief from James to Tim and back again...they were staring daggers at each other.  Tim looked livid, and James looked...Lily was dumbstruck at the look on his face.  Brash, smug, and self-satisfied...but also furious.  As if he had something to be furious about.  Finally, she looked at Sirius, hoping he would do something to stop this, but her hopes were dashed when at last he did speak.  Moving a bit closer to James, he said to Tim,

“Drop it, Connelly.  You won’t win this one.”

His meaning was clear...he would stand with James.  Lily was sickened.

After a heavy pause, Tim shook his head, his face a mask of anger and disgust.  Picking up his notes, he threw them at Sirius and spat, “Deal with it yourself.”

He didn’t even look at Lily before grabbing his bag, turning on his heel, and walking out of the room.  James and Sirius relaxed a bit after he was gone, apparently not feeling they had to be tensed for a fight any longer...but Lily slowly stood, one hand gripping her own notes and the other balled into a fist at her side.  Sirius shook his head and took his seat, muttering,

“Bloody hell, mate.”

James stared for a moment at the door through which Tim had left, and then glanced at Sirius.  Lily felt her lip curling as she looked from one to the other...she was absolutely taken aback, and she couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with them.  Throwing her own notes on the table in front of Sirius, which caused him to look up at her, she said vehemently, “You can have mine, too.”

Casting one look at James only to find him looking back at her unapologetically, she grabbed her books and stormed out of the room.  Running up the stairs, she found Tim turning a corner, heading back to the Ravenclaw common room.

“Tim!”

He ignored her.

“Tim, wait!” she called again, feeling so awful that she knew if she didn’t speak to him she’d die, “I’m so, so sorry about what happened back there...”

He rounded on her suddenly, surprising her.  “Why the hell are you apologizing?  As I recall, you didn’t say bugger all.”

Cringing at his language, she said, “I know...that’s why I’m sorry.  I should have interrupted, I should have...”

“Look,” he said, interrupting her, “You used to stand up to James Potter, and I admired you for that.  If you don’t have the energy – or the desire – to do that anymore, it’s no skin off my nose.  I get it, alright?  You and he are close, it’s not a big deal...but from now on, keep him away from our group sessions.  We need to get that bloody thing done, and we don’t need interference.”

With that, he turned and strode away from her, leaving her gaping after him and feeling as though she was two inches tall.

 

~~

 

She didn’t see him again until dinner.  She didn’t expect to, considering the fact that it was nearly ten o’clock by the time she got down there...she just assumed he’d already been and gone.  She was sitting in the Great Hall by herself, calmly eating her soup as she read a “Contemporary Charmwork” issue that she’d borrowed from Professor Flitwick, when suddenly he was sitting across from her.  She glanced up and found him staring at her.

“What?” she asked coolly, turning her eyes back to her reading.

“What?” he repeated, then asked, “Where have you been?”

Lifting her shoulders unconcernedly, she replied, “Busy.”

Rather than respond, he apparently decided that he’d had enough and grabbed the publication right out from under her nose so abruptly that she nearly dropped her spoon.  Glaring furiously up at him, she opened her mouth to tell him off but couldn’t get the words out before he said,

“I want to talk.”

“Oh, yeah?” she retorted, slamming her spoon down on the table and bracing herself for whatever was about to happen, “Well, sorry...I’m not interested.  Now give me back my...”

“This is how it’s going to be, then?” he asked angrily, “I can spend months, years, or decades acting like a bloody saint around you, and one show of backbone - one telling off of some self-important git - will leave you convinced that I’m rubbish?”

She frowned, shaking her head, “A saint?  Who asked you to be saintly?”

“Come off it,” he growled, spitefully tossing her periodical a fair distance down the Gryffindor table, “Your expectations are close to impossible to achieve, you...”

“My expectations?” she interrupted, completely unable to understand what he was trying to say but now even more angry that he’d disposed of her reading material so unceremoniously, “Look, I don’t know what in the world you mean.  As far as I can tell, you’re talking about a problem you’ve invented for yourself, not something that was started by anything I’ve ever said to you.  Furthermore, you’re making this much more complicated than it really is.”

“Am I?” he sneered, and she replied,

“Yes.  If this is the kind of conversation you wanted to have with me, one where we dance around the issue and turn things around so that somehow everything that happens is my fault, then I’m standing up and walking out of here.  If you want to stick to the issue, then by all means, let’s talk.”

He was silent for a moment, glaring at her, and she stared determinedly back at him.  When it looked as though he was wordlessly agreeing to her terms, she asked quietly,

“Why did you do it, James?”

He snorted, then broke eye contact and directed his gaze at the professor’s table where thankfully only one person was sitting, engrossed in a book.  He was shaking his head as though rejecting her words, and so she went on, “If he’d said something horrible, at least that would have been a reason for dragging him through the mud like that...but he didn’t.”

He looked back at her and stated firmly, “He has some kind of problem with me...he has for a long time now.  It was obvious the minute I walked into the room.”

“As I recall, none of us cheered when you walked in.  We were giving ourselves headaches, we were concentrating so hard on getting that potion right.  And anyway, that isn’t the point...the point is, you did it on purpose.”

“What?”

“Look,” she began, rubbing her temple, “I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon.  Don’t you think that I would love to provide you with some kind of excuse in my head?  Don’t you think I’d be relieved if I could think of just one reason Tim deserved the verbal lashing and public humiliation you gave him today?  I would...but I can’t.  Not only was it completely unprovoked, but as I thought back on it...James, you provoked him.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes...you drew him into a seemingly innocent conversation, and then you used his own words to tear him apart.  It was deliberate, and it was a horrible thing to do.  I just...I can’t reconcile the person I saw in you today with the person I thought was...”

She hesitated, and he prodded, “Was what?”

She looked him in the eye as she finished, “Getting to be a very close friend of mine.”

He didn’t react violently, but she could see it in his eyes...that stung him.  He was hurt, and as usual that hurt manifested itself outwardly as anger.  His eyes narrowed, he leaned over the table and hissed, “I don’t know where you got your definition of friendship, but from what I’ve learned all my life it’s a matter of loyalty.  You don’t write off your friends when they do things you don’t approve of...you accept their flaws, because it’s worth it.  If you can’t do that – if you can’t handle the aspects of my personality that you don’t understand or can’t find somewhere within yourself – then maybe it’s you that’s rubbish.”

Touché, she thought wryly as the sting from his harsh evaluation pierced her.  Sighing, she decided it wasn’t worth it to continue hurting each other...it wouldn’t solve anything, and who knows what kind of damage would be done when they finished.  Leaning forward so that she could lower her voice to a near whisper as a couple more stragglers wandered in for a late meal, she replied, “I think you know how much I appreciate and care about you, and I can’t imagine that you would need me to remind you.”

This seemed to catch him off guard...she could literally see his eyes soften as his eyes roamed her face.  She went on, “Being a good friend also doesn’t mean blindly approving of everything your friend does if you think it’s wrong...and I think what you did to Tim Connelly today was wrong.”

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again.  Finally, blowing out a breath, he said in a subdued voice, “I know you probably don’t see it, Lily...the entire lead up to what happened was so subtle even Sirius didn’t catch on right away.  The minute I walked into the room, Connelly made it clear he didn’t want me in there.”

“James...”

“It had nothing to do with the work he wanted to get done.  He’s had a problem with me for years...we just don’t interact, so it doesn’t get noticed.”

“James, if it was so subtle, you could have just ignored it.”

“No,” he insisted, running his hand through his hair, “I don’t know, I suppose I could have...but I wouldn’t.”

She contemplated this for a moment, and he elaborated, “He was trying to belittle me in front of...other people.  You may not approve, but I stand by what I did...I couldn’t just sit there and take it.”

She considered it proud and arrogant, and still thought what he did was ultimately cruel...but how could she argue with this?  For all she knew, she was overreacting...she didn’t know much about it, to be honest.  Shrugging, she replied honestly, “Fair enough...but I still can’t accept it.”

He nodded and said unenthusiastically, “Fair enough.”

They sat in silence for a moment, regarding each other, and then he turned his head and caught sight of something.  Sighing, he stood and walked over to where he had chucked her copy of “Contemporary Charmwork”.  Picking it up off the table and shaking the creases out, he came back and handed it to her without apology.  She took it without thanks.

He looked at his watch and frowned.  “I have to go...I’m late.”

“For what?”

“I have to meet with the other three...bloody hell, I’m late.”

She stood and gathered her things.  “Well, that’s alright...I was going to go and read the rest of this in bed.  I’m tired...we started early this morning.”

He nodded, then led the way out of the Great Hall.  At the door, they stood looking at each other for a moment, neither one feeling totally at ease with the resolution – or lack thereof – of their argument.  However, this was just one of those things that was going to have to fade with a little time.

“See you later,” he said, turning and taking off down the corridor.

“See you,” she called after him, and then turned in the opposite direction and headed back to Gryffindor Tower, looking forward to simply letting this day end.  When Lily got back to the dorms she was surprised to find Helen in bed already, sick with a cold.  She’d apparently been to the hospital wing for a pepper-up hours ago, but she was dealing with a raging case of sinus infection and refused to take anything else...she didn’t like medicine of any kind.  After being assured that all Helen needed was a good night’s sleep and that she had consented to a very mild sleeping draught which hadn’t taken effect yet, Lily got into her pajamas and crawled into bed to read for awhile. 

Just as she yawned and thought that perhaps she should call it a night, she heard the dormitory door open with a click and a faint squeak.  Her blood froze as she closed her book and leaned forward, every muscle getting ready to spring from the bed as she listened to the rapidly approaching footsteps.  Before she could call out to Helen or react in any way whatsoever, her bedcurtains were shoved aside and she was faced with an extremely agitated James Potter.  It took her a mere two milliseconds to realize that something was very, very wrong with him.

“What’s happened?” she demanded.