TITLE:
"Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)
CLASSIFICATION:
J/L
RATING: PG-13
Summary: In her
seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy
that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly
unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she’d always thought she’d known.
DISCLAIMER:
Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play
with her creation.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: This
fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with
Order of the
CHAPTER ELEVEN: A Rock and a Hard Place
Lily went to
breakfast the next morning feeling better than she would have thought after
such a horrible night. She supposed it
had helped that she’d bothered to think things through before she went to
sleep...it made her feel less like a fish out of water, waiting for the next
thing to happen or the next confrontation.
Her Mum had always told her to sleep on things, but Lily supposed that
she was only just now beginning to understand exactly what that meant.
Understanding all
this didn’t make the prospect of facing James any easier, though. She didn’t know what she was going to say,
and she knew that he was probably somewhere in the castle killing himself over
what had happened between them. She knew
as sure as she was sitting there that her unfussy write-off of the whole
incident the night before was not going to be enough to ease his conscience,
especially after everything else that had been going on.
Pushing her
uneaten breakfast away from her, she stood and started to gather her books,
resolved to being late to her first lesson so that she could go and see how Remus was doing. She
knew she’d find James there, and probably Sirius...at least, she hoped Sirius
would be there. If he wasn’t, then that
meant he’d still be in bed...and that would worry her.
Before she could
get up from the table, however, the owls began to flutter in with the morning
post. While this would normally not have
fazed her, she was halted by the surprise depositing of a white envelope right in
front of her, on top of her cold oatmeal.
Lily frowned at it, then set her books down again and picked it up...and
something that felt like a boulder dropped in her stomach as she recognized the
handwriting immediately.
It was a letter
from Petunia.
Inexplicably afraid
to read its contents, she stalled for a moment by carefully wiping the specks
of oatmeal off of the front. Swallowing
and glancing up at the ceiling, as though she was expecting something else to
drop from the sky, she slid her trembling fingernail into the slot on the side
of the envelope and tore it open.
Slowly, she unfolded the letter and began to read.
~~
As she walked out
of the Great Hall and into the corridor in a kind of sick daze, she stopped
short as she caught sight of James. He was
leaning against the wall across the way with his arms folded over his chest,
and it was obvious that he’d been waiting for her to come out. She could see that he hadn’t slept much...his
eyes were rimmed with red, his face was pale, and he hadn’t shaved or combed
his hair. He wasn’t wearing his robes, so
she could only assume he had no intention of going to class today. Walking over, she offered a strained smile
and commented, “You look almost as bad as I probably do.”
He shook his head
as his eyes roamed her face, then replied, “You look
fine.”
“Why didn’t you
just come in and sit down?”
He lifted his
shoulders noncommittally and replied, “I’m not hungry.”
“Oh,” was all she
could manage, and then they stood there for an awkward moment before he said, “Look,
I have to get back to the hospital, but I had to catch you before you went to
class. I had to talk to you.”
“How is he?” she
asked before he could go on, unconsciously trying to put some kind of verbal
distance between this conversation and what was on both their minds, especially
now that she had an entirely separate problem plaguing her. He blinked, and then replied,
“Er...which one?”
“Remus...or, I don’t know.
Sirius, Peter...all of the above?”
“They’re...well, Remus is pretty bad.
Not so bad that anyone’s overly worried...I mean, he’s been bad
before...but still, I suppose it just seems worse because of the
circumstances.”
She nodded, and
then asked, “And Sirius?”
James managed a
small smile. “Fine, of
course. He had good help.”
“Good,” she said,
smiling a little at his small compliment, “Keep me updated, will you? I was really worried...and I still am.”
He nodded, then
after a brief pause he said, “I...also wanted to apologize to you for
everything that happened last night.”
“James, you don’t
have to...”
“No...no,” he interrupted firmly, and she couldn’t help noticing a
slight catch in his voice, “I need to say this to you, because thinking about
it robbed me of the little sleep I could have had this morning. I...look, I know I
put you in a terrible place. Several times, in fact.
I dragged you out of your bed and across the grounds, I forced you to
participate in something you had nothing to do with, I acted like a bastard for
the most part, and then...”
He paused, and she
looked down at her shoes as his eyes flicked uncomfortably to hers. There was no small amount of shame in his
gaze. He continued, with some
difficulty, “Last night, I was just...gutted.
I was already grateful for everything you did, and I was thinking about
it as I walked back to the castle after I found Wormtail. Then when I walked in and saw that you’d
waited up for me…I just...I don’t know.”
“I know,” she
agreed, “Believe me, I do.”
His eyes snapped
up to meet hers, and he seemed to search her face for a moment before he went
on with slightly more confidence, “I don’t want you to feel like I...expect
that. The truth is that I was trying to
thank you as sincerely as I could, and...well, that’s
how it manifested. I’m sorry.”
Sighing, she said,
“Don’t be. I don’t regret anything.”
He looked at her
for a long moment, as though he thought she might be lying but was hoping to
God she wasn’t. “You don’t?”
“No,” she replied
honestly, “It didn’t feel...wrong. I
mean, I suppose it wasn’t a completely normal thing to do...”
“It felt good,” he
interrupted quietly, his eyes watching her closely.
“Yes,” she
conceded, “I...I know. I just...”
She paused,
struggling for words and at a complete loss as to what she should say. She felt her face growing hot as flashes from
last night assaulted her...his hands on her face, that kiss...but especially
the look in his eyes. She didn’t really
know what he wanted from her anymore...she didn’t know what was the right thing
to do. She was very confused, and it
scared her. Desperate for aid of any
kind, she looked up at him imploringly and found him scanning her face, his
expression unreadable.
“Look,” he finally
said, lowering his voice and leaning closer to her so no one else could
overhear him, “You don’t have to say anything.
I didn’t really expect you to...I just wanted to make sure you weren’t
uncomfortable with me now, that’s all.
Let’s just...not let this change anything, alright?”
She smiled only a
bit uneasily and nodded. They stood in
silence for a moment, and then she said idly, “I should get to class. Are you...?”
“I have to go back
up there,” he answered her unspoken question, his voice back to normal volume,
“I won’t be in class at all today. You probably
won’t see me, unless...you’re up late.”
She correctly read
his silent request, and nodded. “I probably
will be. I...want to talk to you about
something. Something
else.”
Frowning slightly,
he asked, “Anything wrong?”
She was about to
say there wasn’t when suddenly, for some reason, she changed her mind and
decided to tell him the truth. “Sort of...yeah.
I...I’m having a problem. I could
use some help, or...just an ear.”
Regarding her
concernedly but thankfully refraining from commenting further, he merely nodded
and said, “Sure. I’ll come back to the
common room later tonight...we can talk then.”
She nodded back,
and they looked at each other for a moment before he finally turned away and
called over his shoulder, “See you later, then.”
“Right...tell Remus I...um...tell him...”
“I’ll tell him.”
Then with a final
wave, she was walking up to her first lesson of the day and feeling as though
she would rather be doing almost anything else...but still not able to convince
herself to skip it. Sighing as she went up the stairs, she wished
that it was night already...she couldn’t stand to feel nauseated, and she was
going to be feeling it all day, every time she thought about her sister, until
she could get it off her chest later on.
~~
As promised, she
waited up for James in the common room that night. It was nearly one o’clock by the time he
finally made it in, and he looked drawn and pale from lack of sleep.
“Hey,” he greeted,
practically collapsing into a chair opposite her, and taking his glasses off to
rub his face with his hands, “So, what’s on your mind?”
She raised an
eyebrow, “Other than your health?”
He peeked out at
her from behind his fingers, then drew a breath and said, “I’m fine...fatigue
never killed anyone. Remus
is fine...should be out of hospital in a week or so. Sirius is fine, obviously...so, you said you
had something to tell me?”
She
hesitated. “You...don’t want to talk
about...any of that?”
Regarding her
earnestly, he replied, “No...not right now. I sort of just...want to forget about it for
awhile.”
She studied him
for a moment until he became slightly uncomfortable and said only
half-jokingly, “Besides, I thought that hearing about your problems might take
my mind off my own.”
She looked down at
her hands, a pang of dread hitting her at having to talk about her sister, and
replied, “Well...if this doesn’t do it, then nothing will...because this is
quite a problem.”
He frowned slightly and put his glasses back
on so that he could see her clearly and sat up in his chair, ready to
listen. She told him everything...and
when she’d finished speaking he merely stared at
her. The only sound in the room for a
few moments was the crackling of the fireplace.
Finally, he clarified in a tone which sounded more like he was making a
statement than asking a question, “So...she wants you to come and live with
her?”
“Yes.”
He didn’t press
her...he just sat there, his eyes holding hers with a steady gaze that held a
veiled expression. Slowly, he lifted his
hand and to rub his eyes under his glasses.
After a moment in which she didn’t really know how to proceed, he asked,
“When would this happen?”
“As soon as I
leave Hogwarts.”
He shook his head
slightly, then blew out a small huff of humorless
laughter. “So...I’m guessing she wants
you to forget about entering into Auror training
afterwards?”
Lily nodded slowly
and clarified, “She wants me to forget about everything.”
Eyes narrowed, he
asked, “What does that mean...everything?
“Everything,” she
repeated, “The wizarding world.”
James stared at
her incredulously. “How exactly would
you do that? You’re part of it.”
“Well, I wouldn’t
be anymore if I lived with her. That’s
the point.”
He shook his head
again as though struggling to wrap his brain around the notion, then asked, “What did you tell her?”
Lily suddenly felt
her palms begin to sweat and her face flush with dread at what she was going to
have to say next. Taking a breath, she
replied frankly, “I haven’t told her anything yet...I don’t know what to do,
really.”
He didn’t react
immediately...he remained very still, staring at her with his brows
furrowed. After a few seconds he blinked
and said, “What do you mean, you don’t know what to do?”
She opened her
mouth to explain her reasoning, but then something about the way he was looking
at her made her break down. She buried
her face in her hands and whispered frustratedly, “I
don’t know what to do, I just...everything’s so strained and...and confusing...”
“Alright,” he said
soothingly as he got up from the chair he was sitting in and came over to
crouch down easily in front of her, “Alright...calm down. It’s okay...you were caught off guard. It’s understandable.”
“If I tell her no,
I won’t do it, then she simply won’t talk to me even
again.”
He heaved a sigh
and scanned her face. “Well...that
doesn’t sound like something you can change, Lily. That’s on her,
not you.”
“I know...you’re
right, but...how can I just turn away from her, James? She’s the only family I have left.”
“Even so, think of
the alternative,” he responded quietly, “You’ve worked
so hard for this...to have this opportunity to get involved. You’ve told me a million times that it was
all you wanted to be doing, fighting against the Deatheaters...and
going with your sister would mean the end of it.”
“I know, but...I want so badly to reconcile with her, too.
In spite of everything that’s happened, she wrote to me.
It makes me believe that she wants to fix what’s wrong.”
“She’s making you
feel like you’re the one who should
be bending over backwards to make amends...it’s not right, Lily.”
She stared at him
for a moment, and then swallowed and covered her mouth with her hand as she
struggled with herself. “Maybe from your
point of view, but from hers...oh, I just don’t know what to do.”
“Just be honest
with yourself,” he urged, his voice measured and calm,
“Do you want to give it all up for
her?”
She thought about
this for a long moment. Finally, she
answered slowly, “I wanted to do this training more than anything I’ve ever
wanted in my life...because of what happened to my parents. I wanted to avenge them in any way I could,
and I felt that it would be the only way I had to keep them close to me. I don’t know, I can’t...I can’t explain it
very well. I just know that when Petunia
walked through that door, I started thinking about what my parents would really
have wanted me to do if they were gone...and reconciling with my sister would
unquestionably win over avenging their deaths and possibly getting myself killed in the process.”
He stared at her
for a moment, then blew out a breath and said earnestly, “Lily, I didn’t know
your parents. I wish I could have, but
unfortunately the only way I know them is through you. Based on what you’ve told me about them, I
can’t help but think that if they were here, they wouldn’t want this. I don’t care how much they would have wanted
to see you two reconciled...they wouldn’t want you to give up your ambitions
for the future.”
She looked at him
for a long moment...and then something inside her began to settle. The churning in her stomach subsided, and she
suddenly realized that she’d made a decision.
“You’re right,”
she said, her voice coming out evenly now, “You’re right, James. I can’t possibly do what she’s asking me to
do...and she’s wrong to ask it in the first place.”
He nodded, but
didn’t say anything more on the subject.
She had the feeling that he had a few choice words to say about her
sister, but was not saying them out of respect for Lily. She was very grateful for that...it had
always made her so uncomfortable when Arabella used
to badmouth Petunia. At the thought of Arabella, Lily couldn’t help smiling and raising an
eyebrow. James’ brows furrowed and he
demanded lightly,
“What?”
“Nothing, I...it’s
just a good thing that Bella isn’t here to know about this.”
James seemed
completely bewildered. “Why?”
“Because,” Lily
explained sarcastically, “She might have insisted on writing the response
letter herself...and then I’d have the police coming after me for making death
threats.”
He grinned at
this, then shot her a look and said, “Well, did you want me to go ahead with
the threatening letters in Arabella’s place? I’d be happy to...”
“No!” she said,
holding out a hand, and then sobered as she finished, “No...I have to write to
her myself. I just have to think for a
couple of days on what in the world to say...this may be the last contact we ever
have.”
James’ smile faded
as he looked at her, and then he said, “I’m sorry...I shouldn’t joke about
it. I know it’s hard for you.”
“No, no,” she
waved away his apology and smiled at him again, “It’s
fine...you always make me feel better.”
James gazed warmly
at her after she’d said this. “I like
making you feel better, so...don’t thank me.”
“I didn’t.”
They both laughed
quietly, and then he said he was going to go to bed and leave her to her
thoughts. She remembered then that he
hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours.
“Go on, then...and for God’s sake, don’t fall on the stairs. I don’t want to have to fill out an accident
report for McGonagall.”
He quirked a brow
at her and patted her on the head as he walked past. “Down, Head Girl.”
She swatted his
hand away from her and bid him goodnight.
After he’d gone, she sat and watched the flames in the fireplace
dance. She thought about what she wanted
to say to Petunia, how she was going to tell her of her decision...and if there
was any way she could do it and still leave the door open for her sister to
contact her again in the future if the notion struck her. After three hours of contemplation and
debate with herself, she decided that she might as well just write what was in
her heart and in her mind while it was fresh and not worry about how her sister
would take it.
It was all she
really could do, otherwise she’d drive herself
crazy. Wearily, she went to one of the
tables and sat down to do it before she could second-guess herself. When it was finished, she folded it up and
stuck it inside one of her textbooks...she’d send it off before breakfast the
following morning. Trudging off to bed,
she decided she needed sleep badly if she was going to be able to get through
the day tomorrow. Lately, it seemed as
though everything that happened was even more stressful than usual.
~~
Whatever they had
come to expect from the training class that they had all been attending in the
evenings with Dumbledore for the past several months, nothing could have prepared
them for the announcement he made that night after they’d settled into their
seats. The stunned silence that pervaded
inside the circular classroom was almost stifling. Lily watched the headmaster’s eyes roam across
their faces, gauging their reactions while simultaneously and wordlessly
telling them that this was no exaggeration...it was not some kind of test, no
matter how much they may have wished it were.
Finally, someone
cleared their throat and asked, “All
of them? They’re all gone?”
Dumbledore nodded. “Yes, Mr. Clemens. They are all gone...and their whereabouts are
as yet unknown.”
Another silence
followed this, and Lily’s throat felt so dry that she was finding it hard to
swallow. She knew she had to ask,
though...she had to ask the question that was on everyone’s minds but that
everyone was afraid to ask...they were afraid of the answer. Raising her hand in the air to get his
attention, she asked Dumbledore, “But, sir...what about the Dementors?”
Dumbledore lifted
his chin a bit and fixed his somber blue gaze on her as he replied, “They are
unaccounted for at the present time.”
The silence then
broke into a melee of stunned gasps and angry murmurs as people realized
exactly what was happening. Lily felt
sick...the Dementors were treacherous, just as
Dumbledore and other Ministry officials had long suspected. There had been a breakout at Azkaban...and
they had allowed it to happen. She
shuddered at the thought of the ramifications of this. James spoke now, having been
uncharacteristically silent up until that point,
“What does this
mean?”
Everyone quieted
to hear Dumbledore’s response. “It
means, Mr. Potter, that this phenomenon has suddenly
exploded into a situation more serious than anyone could have imagined. It means that the leader of this rebellion –
who now calls himself Voldemort – has somehow
acquired authority and power beyond anyone’s darkest nightmares. It means that the Ministry, which has been
acting with discretion up until this moment to avoid mass panic, must now
strike back with everything they have.
In short, it means we are now at the beginning of a war.”
If Lily had
harbored any doubts before this that a silence could be classified as being
loud, she had them negated by the sheer volume of the silence that followed these
words. No one moved for what seemed like
minutes, and then slowly people started turning their heads and glancing at
each other as though wanting for some sort of comfort. Lily averted her eyes from the front of the
room and sought only one person...and found his hazel eyes looking right back
at her, his black brows furrowed. After
letting it sink in, Dumbledore continued,
“Incidentally,
what was meant to be a particularly difficult assignment has become a makeshift
exam, and it constitutes the final test of your abilities,” Lily knew he was talking about the potion,
and before she could even wonder about it, the headmaster revealed, “I think
you should all know that you have each successfully brewed the Veritaserum potion.”
Her jaw dropped as
a hushed murmur went through the room...Veritaserum? That was, without a doubt, one of the most
complex and tempermental potions to mix...she could
hardly believe that they had been in the process of doing it for months without
her having caught on. Then again, she
reasoned, the recipe wasn’t one that you’d find in most potion books. It was strictly guarded, and for good
reason...because of its potency, it could be used for many things, not all of
them appropriate. Just as she was
getting over this, Dumbledore continued,
“The brutal fact
is that, in light of the most recent attacks on both Muggle
and wizarding homes and now the Azkaban breakout, it
has become clear that the Ministry of Magic is simply not equipped to handle a
threat of this magnitude. The Auror division, in particularly, is woefully understaffed. They
are in need of as much help as is available...and I have proudly informed the
Minister of the immense talent I have been fostering in this class for
months. I am confident that there is not
a single one of you who lacks the potential to make first-class Aurors in your own right.
”
Everyone was
holding their breath as Dumbledore finished, “It will be difficult, and it
would require you to leave school and begin your formal training
immediately. You have received as good a
foundation as any in this class, and I assure you that your academic
credentials will not suffer.
However...you all must make your decisions tonight. As I stated earlier, this is no longer a
threat...it is a reality. We must fight
back, and the more we wait the stronger they become.”
Lily looked over
and met James’ eyes...they silently agreed to do it, as if there was any doubt
that they would. She felt somehow better
that he was going to be going through it with her. As it turned out, there wasn’t a single
member of their little order that didn’t stand up to sign their names to the
parchment Dumbledore had laid on his desk...and the pride their headmaster felt
in all of them shone in his still-somber eyes as they committed themselves to
service.
~~
Lily leaned
against the front desk in the library a couple of hours later, still lost in
her own thoughts but now a bit numb to the constant churning of her
stomach. She had, of course, signed her
name on the list of students Dumbledore was going to send along to the Ministry
for Auror training...in fact, she was alternately
excited and scared out of her wits by it.
This was it...the
opportunity she’d been waiting for to do something. She hadn’t even dreamed that it would some so
soon, and she was working to push aside the nervousness she felt at the way it
had to be done…but she knew that there was nothing in the world that could
convince her to let herself be left behind.
“Miss Evans?”
Lily blinked and
looked up at the librarian, who was regarding her closely. “Are those the only ones?”
“Sorry?”
“The only ones you
have to return?”
“Oh,” Lily
replied, giving her head a shake and smiling wryly at herself,
“Yes...sorry, I was...”
“It’s alright,”
the older woman smiled, ”We all have our days, don’t
we?”
Lily nodded,
wondering how many ‘days’ she would have before she felt normal again. Perhaps this was the end of normalcy as she
knew it, she thought, trying not to be too disturbed by this. After all, things change...life was all about
change. She’d learned this the hard way
during the past year, and if she’d survived so far she should be more than
strong enough to face this.
At least, that was
what she hoped.
When she finally
got back to the portrait hole, she gave the Fat Lady the password and wondered
numbly whether that would be the last time she’d have to do that. She couldn’t believe everything was happening
so fast, and she wished for the thousandth time that day that Arabella wasn’t gone.
She could really use a chat with her about everything...and it would
surely make her feel much more comfortable with the idea of leaving Hogwarts
behind.
Stepping into the
common room, she wasn’t surprised to find it almost completely deserted...
except for the three Marauders sleeping in the chairs closest to the fire. Smiling warmly, Lily made her way over to
them and stopped in front of James. She
stood there silently for a moment, watching the firelight reflecting in his
glasses and thinking that it was a good thing she had him in the absence of Arabella. After a
moment, she leaned down and whispered his name...he didn’t even stir.
“James,” she said
in a hushed voice as she put her hand on his shoulder and shook him lightly,
“James...wake up, it’s late.”
He slowly opened
his eyes and looked up at her blearily. “Hmm?”
“It’s late,” she
repeated, “Why don’t you go on up?”
He frowned and
looked at his watch, then brought his hand up to pull his glasses off and rub
his eyes. He looked as though he was
about to go back to sleep, and so she slid her hand down to his arm and gave it
a pull. His hand came up to grasp her
forearm as he opened his eyes again and blinked.
“What?” he asked, disoriented.
Laughing, she
replied, “Come on, James...stand up. You
have to go to bed...you’re exhausted.”
He shook his head
and protested, “I wanted to talk to you first.
That’s why I waited up.”
Lily smiled and
assured him, “We’ll talk tomorrow...on the train. You need some sleep. Come on.”
Finally, he
relented and stood, looking less than happy about the idea of trudging up an
entire flight of stairs. Glancing over,
he caught sight of the other two...Peter was snoring softly. Sighing, James walked over and gave Sirius’
foot a light kick. He jerked awake,
looking grumpy.
“What?” he
demanded.
“Come on, you
lot,” James replied, swatting Peter on the shoulder, “Let’s go. Mother’s sending us to bed.”
He threw Lily a
wink as he said it, and she rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She watched as the other two stumbled off to
bed, and then she went ahead of James up the stairs. When they got to the point where the
staircases diverged to their separate dorms, he turned to her and said, “I’ll
wait for you tomorrow.”
“I think we’re all
going together, anyway.”
“I mean, in the
common room...we can walk down together.”
She nodded and bid
him goodnight, then turned and went upstairs, wondering how she was ever going
to get to sleep that night...and if she’d ever sleep again. When she got to the dorm she changed into her
pajamas...and then stared at her bed for a moment, finally allowing herself to
seriously consider the implications of everything that had happened. The panic that had been threatening to surface
in her mind ever since she walked out of Dumbledore’s classroom was welling up
in her throat, and she clasped her shaking hands together as she sat gingerly
on the edge of her bed and stared into the darkness.
Part of her was
still having a hard time accepting the idea that this was real...that it was
more than just another class or another challenge that had to do with
school. This was the real world finally
exploding into her life...and now that it was here, she didn’t quite know how
to react. The following day she would be
on a train, heading towards the next chapter in her life, and for the first
time she had no idea what it would involve...or who would be there with her.
Giving into
temptation, Lily spun around and padded softly back down to the common
room. She knew it was a hopeless cause
and it would probably just make her look desperate, but...she couldn’t just
leave and have Petunia wondering where she was, just in case her sister ever
wanted to contact her for anything. Sitting
down at one of the tables, she pulled from her pocket the note she’d written to
herself that morning to remind her to return her books to the library. Turning it over, she grabbed a quill and
scribbled a note to Petunia. It was
brief and to the point...but at least it was something.
Sighing as she
closed her eyes, Lily conceded the full truth to herself...that she still held
a tiny speck of hope that Petunia would be inspired, that the desperation of
the situation would make her want to at least write and say goodbye. The hope was small, however...and Lily knew
it was futile. Rolling her eyes at her
own foolishness, she put the note back in her pocket and walked slowly to the
portrait hole.
She wanted to
deliver it now...and get it out of her mind.
~~
The following
afternoon, Lily gazed dazedly at her glass of water. She was only listening with half her
attention to what James was saying as the group of students – now aurors-in-training – from Dumbledore’s class sat around a
table in the Leaky Cauldron. The other
half of her brain was trying to process everything that had happened already
over the course of the day. She had met
James in the common room as promised at half past six, and they’d gone down to
breakfast together. They all only had a
short time to eat before Dumbledore came for them and led them onto the early
train bound for
When they arrived
in
“They should have
asked for help a long time ago,” James broke into her thoughts, swishing the butterbeer around in his glass and frowning down at the
froth it was making. Lily suspected that
he was wishing it was firewhiskey instead.
“What do you mean? Why?” Tim asked, his eyebrows raised, and James leaned back in his chair as he replied,
“It’s
obvious. I mean, those dementors...I can’t see how they wouldn’t have assumed
they’d cause trouble eventually. Damned
unpredictable creatures...and they’re the choice of the Ministry for guarding
Azkaban? I never understood it, and now
look how it ended up...in a breakout.”
Raising her eyes
from her glass, Lily had her mouth open to agree with him when suddenly she
noticed someone standing by the door looking extremely uncomfortable and out of
place as she watched them. A mere moment
of blankness assaulted Lily before she was hit with a rush of sickening yet
somehow euphoric recognition.
It was Petunia.
For an eternity,
they just stared at each other across the room.
Then Petunia took a small step forward, her hands gripping her bag as
though holding onto it for dear life.
Lily just sat there, unable to breathe or to take her eyes from her
sister. She had imagined a million times
what she would do and say if she ever saw Petunia again, and crying had not
been one of them...yet that was precisely what she felt like doing. She could see more acutely the amount of time
that had passed since she’d last seen Petunia magnified on her older sister’s
face. She didn’t look a mere year
older...she looked like she’d aged ten.
There were deep stress-induced lines on her face, bags forming under her
eyes, she was pale...and gaunt. If Petunia was tall and thin before, she was
even more so now...unhealthily so. It
pained Lily to see it...she knew the reasons only too well.
After a long
silence in which they did nothing but study each other, her sister broke eye
contact. Petunia was stiff as she eyed
the others, who were totally unaware of anything strange happening...except for
James. He sat in sober silence, watching
the exchange. Their eyes locked, and for
a moment they assessed each other...Petunia didn’t know James, but she could
see that he knew who she was...even though he’d never laid eyes on her
before. Raising her chin slightly, she seemed
to defy his curiosity.
Finally, Lily stood
and, walking over to face the only family she had left in the world, she suggested
in a surprisingly strong voice, “Let’s go and have a coffee.”
Petunia nodded,
and Lily led the way out of the Leaky Cauldron and into the busy
Looking up, she
asked quietly, “Are you moving?”
Petunia’s voice
was
At this, a stab of
pain assaulted Lily...she hadn’t even met the man her sister had married. Feeling her brows draw together and her
throat start to burn, she asked more brokenly than she’d intended, “Why did you
come here?”
Petunia’s
expression didn’t change. “You wrote to me.”
“You wrote me
first. And anyway, why didn’t you go to
the trouble of meeting me when I wrote to you before, all those months
ago? Didn’t you get that letter?”
“I got it.”
A strong wave of
disappointment overtook her. She’d
secretly been holding out hope that Petunia simply hadn’t received the letter
asking her to come to their parent’s gravesite.
Now she knew beyond a doubt...she’d gotten it, and she’d ignored
it. Petunia leaned forward and
continued, “There are some things I have to say to you.”
“What makes you
think I feel like listening?” Lily snapped, all the rage that she’d suppressed
all year forcing its way out of her.
She’d prayed and wished that the day would come when Petunia would
answer her pleas for any kind of contact and the last thing she wanted to do
was to ruin this, but it appeared her emotions had a will of their own.
“You didn’t have
to come here,” Petunia spat back coldly.
“You don’t know why I came here with you.”
“It doesn’t
matter...you’re here. Anyway, I think
you owe me this much.”
“What?” Lily
replied in angry disbelief, “I owe you? How could you possibly believe that I owe you
anything?”
There was an
almost imperceptible tremor in Petunia’s voice as she answered, “After
everything you’ve put me through this year...Mum and Dad, the house...”
“What exactly do
you think I’ve been doing? Having a jolly time alone at my bloody school
while you plan our parents’ funeral without so much as consulting me?”
“I wanted it to be
over and done with as soon as possible.”
“Well, that’s
lovely, thanks. And anyway, how exactly
have I been responsible for any of
this?”
Petunia leaned
back in her chair and looked Lily in the eye.
“This whole thing was related to that ridiculous place. If you weren’t mixed up with these freaks,
none of this would have happened.”
“Oh, yes it would
have,” Lily shot back, using her anger to cover the pressure of the weight of
guilt and sorrow now bearing down on her, “It was a random attack.”
“You expect me to
believe that?”
“Look, you don’t
know anything about the world I live in, so don’t pretend that you’re speaking
with any kind of authority on the subject.”
“I don’t want to know anything about that
world...that world nearly ruined my life.
If it hadn’t been for
Lily met her
sister’s eyes, unable to mask the pain radiating from her own. “You would still have had me.”
Petunia shook her
head, and Lily pressed on, “I tried so hard to...to connect with you. I needed...I needed to hear from you...”
To Lily’s horror,
she was starting to get choked up...and to her shock, she could see Petunia’s
eyes starting to well up along with her own.
In a remarkably calm voice, Petunia explained, “I was angry...I didn’t
want to have anything to do with you again if it meant being brought into
contact with... you have no idea what it
was like, you weren’t there. I...I was
out. I was with
Lily cringed and
slammed her eyes shut...she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear this, but she knew
she must listen. Petunia was right about
this, at least...she hadn’t been forced to see
it. She had to allow her to continue.
“I ran the rest of
the way, praying...I...”
She paused,
attempting to regain control of herself.
Finally, she went on, “It was gone.
The house...only one wall was left.
The back of the kitchen...some of the furniture was there, charred and
scattered around. That was how I
salvaged the things I sent you.”
Lily managed, “Mum
and Dad?”
Petunia shook her
head. “I never saw them. I didn’t want to. Some men ran up to me and started telling me
that everything was under control...I asked what happened, was it a fire? They just kept repeating themselves, and then
one of them pulled one of those bloody awful things out.”
“What?”
Petunia seemed to
have difficulty saying it as she replied, “A...wand.”
“To modify your
memory,” Lily said, and Petunia shrugged.
“I don’t know...I
suppose. They stopped when I started
screaming...I was going on about how it’s your fault, you and that crazy old
man who runs your school. They put their
wands down, and another man came over...he told me they were dead. I...don’t remember what happened after
that. I must have fainted...next thing I
knew, I woke up with
Lily gazed across
the table at her sister, and suddenly she couldn’t sustain the anger
anymore...she felt relief. She felt like
she was holding onto something precious, having her sister – her flesh and
blood – sitting across from her. She’d
Petunia looked
up. “You did?”
Nodding, Lily
said, “I felt alone, too.
Petunia stared at
her for a long moment, then she said, “I’m sorry I
went ahead with the arrangements without you.”
It wasn’t much and
it was spoken in a fairly monotone voice, but to Lily it was an olive
branch. Not really knowing how to
proceed, she asked, “Why did you come here?”
Petunia’s eyes
changed...became determined. “I got your
letter and I wanted to talk to you in person...about changing your mind.”
“Petunia...” Lily
began wearily, but Petunia would not be silenced.
“How can you still
live among them? In
that world...with those people.”
Lily felt herself
losing her grip on the olive branch.
“You mean magical people? I am one of them, Petunia.”
“No,” Petunia
interrupted, surprisingly vitriolic, “You’re not, really. You never were...you weren’t born
there. Your family isn’t...that’s why I
wrote you that letter. That’s why I made
you the offer.”
“But...”
“You don’t belong there. You have responsibilities,” Petunia leaned
forward again in her chair, the color in her face making her look more like the
Petunia Lily had known as a girl. “You
shouldn’t be there. You still have the
chance to be normal. I...look, I don’t know if I can ever forgive the fact that it
was those...those people that killed
Mum and Dad. I don’t understand the
reasons, but...I just don’t think they’d want it to be like this.”
“Who?”
“Mum and Dad. What do you think they’d say if they knew we
haven’t spoken in
“I’m not ignoring
anything! There are things that I’m
doing...things that you wouldn’t know about.
There are a lot of people who want to fight, Petunia. There are good and bad forms of magic...”
“Fight? For what? We were fine before we ever knew it existed...that
magic rubbish!”
“Listen, even if I
had
“No,” Petunia
countered coldly, “It has nothing to do with me...and yet I’m forced to suffer the consequences. People like me...like Mum and Dad...have
their houses destroyed, and their families don’t even get to know the truth
about what happened to them. No one is
allowed to be let in on this big secret...but it’s alright if we all get burned
alive...”
“Stop it,
Petunia.”
“It’s the truth.
Do you honestly think you can make any kind of difference? That you can contribute anything that’s going
to turn the tide of this...whatever it is?”
“Maybe not now...I
don’t know. One day maybe I could...”
“Come off it.”
“What do you want!?” Lily asked desperately, wanting
to get up and run out.
“Lily...no matter
what we feel about each other, the fact remains that we’re sisters. I think about Mum and Dad every minute of
every day...and it always leads me around to the same thing, that they’d be
horrified if we never spoke to each other again. I think we owe it to them. And perhaps...I don’t know, perhaps we owe it
to ourselves. We’re the only ones who
share the experience...of Mum and Dad, and of this thing that happened.”
“I’ve only ever
wanted that exact thing, Petunia,” Lily replied wearily, “Why are you acting
like you’re talking me into something?
You’re the one who’s been throwing the wrench in the works.”
“My attitudes
haven’t changed about everything,”
she said bluntly, “I don’t want any more contact with that world. It’s like I said in the letter...I want it
out of my life for good. You have to
choose.”
“I can’t...”
“Not that it’s
really much of a choice. You are
choosing either to have a future or
not.”
Lily’s head
snapped up at this, and she began to feel dread in the pit of her stomach. “What?”
“If you want to
pick up where we left off,” Petunia said, her voice carrying a note of
gentleness to it that Lily hadn’t heard in a long time, “Then it has to be a
complete effort. I...I’d be lying if I
said I didn’t miss...having a sister.”
Lily met her eyes,
and for a split second, the veils of resentment and misunderstanding that had
been hung one by one over the course of seven years were lifted and all that
remained were two sisters,
a shared childhood...and a shared pain.
Petunia continued,
“
“Petunia...”
“Where are you
going to go after you finish with this...this stupid program?” Petunia spat,
her voice even carrying a hint of desperation, “You don’t have Mum and Dad
anymore, and if you turn your back now then you won’t have me either. Who will you have? Who can you depend on if not your family?”
Lily opened her
mouth, and then closed it again. “I have
friends, alright? Great friends...”
Petunia snorted,
“Like that Arabella?
Where is she now? I didn’t see
her with you back at that pub.”
“Don’t talk about
her, Petunia.”
“No one will have
you at the top of their list of priorities, Lily.”
“I can’t
leave...my life. I have
responsibilities...”
“You have a
responsibility to honor Mum and Dad in death.”
“But...but my
training...I wanted to do this, for
myself...”
“Oh, come off it,
Lily!” Petunia implored, leaning forward, “I don’t even understand what this
training is supposed to be about, but if it’s as dangerous as you make it
sound...well, do you really think Mum and Dad would want you involved?”
“They...they’d
support me...” Lily replied, but her resolve was faltering. Petunia sensed this, and pressed on,
“Besides, what
about your responsibility to me? All we have left is each other, in a lot of
ways. If you give that up, then...well,
what have you got left? Tell me that!”
“I don’t know,”
Lily whispered, defeated, “I don’t know...oh, Petunia, please...don’t make me
do this.”
“I’m not making
you do anything,” Petunia said, leaning back in her chair and speaking so
quietly that Lily would almost swear that she was completely sincere, “You have
a choice, technically. If that freak
school of yours is more important to you than this...then by all means, go and
live in it. But that’ll be the last time
you hear from me, do you understand?”
Lily felt as
though she’d walked into a nightmare, and she almost wished that Petunia had
never come. At least then she wouldn’t
be faced with this decision...this horrible, impossible decision. She rubbed her forehead with her palms and
then looked up at her sister. Petunia
stared at her for a moment, and then Lily saw her lip start to tremble
slightly.
“Lily,” she
whispered, her eyes shining with emotion in a way Lily had never thought to see
them again, “Please. Don’t make me cut
you out of our lives.”
Sitting there,
staring at her sister, Lily knew she had to give an answer...and so she gave
the one that was safest for the moment.
She could think about it later, when she was by herself.
“Alright...fine. I’ll come and live with you.”
Petunia’s face
relaxed into an expression of absolute relief...and then she composed
herself. Sitting up straight and
snatching the newspaper up from the table, she replied, “Good...I was hoping
you’d make the right decision. We can
still catch the 7:45 train back to
“What?”
“We have to hurry,
though.”
“Petunia!” Lily protested,
horrified, “I can’t come with you right this minute! I have to finish
school!”
“You only just
said you were willing to give up all that rubbish!”
“Yes, but...I have to finish at Hogwarts. Otherwise I’ll have no qualifications and I’m
not throwing away the past seven years of my life...there’s only a few weeks
left, and I’m finishing. You have to
compromise, Petunia...you have to allow me that at least.”
Petunia considered
her for a moment before conceding irately, “Fine...I’ll be here to get you when
the term is over. But that’s it, do you
understand? No more of
this nonsense after that.”
“Fine,” Lily
agreed, wanting nothing more than to get away from her so that she could think.
“Right...well...I
still need to catch that train, so...”
“Alright,” Lily
said, standing up along with her sister, “I’ll see you in about a month.”
With a final nod
and no further formalities, Petunia left the café...and Lily stood numbly for
only a few moments before she followed suit.
As she walked down the street, hugging her middle, she could hear bustle
everywhere that somehow seemed so far away.
She could hear the vendors selling their produce, and the chattering and
pacing of the people going to and fro.
She wished she could be a part of it, that she had nothing more to think
about than the excitement of her future.
She felt isolated, and she couldn’t deny the fact that she was doubting
herself...she felt she’d done the right thing in agreeing to Petunia’s terms,
but a huge part of her was screaming that it was all wrong.
Finally she found
herself at the door to The Leaky Cauldron.
She stopped for a moment to let a couple of people by her as they went
out into the spring evening, laughing, their arms
around each other. This made her somehow
uncomfortable, and she slid past them into the dimly lit pub. The first thing she saw when she walked
through the door was James...he was sitting there, waiting for her. As soon as she met his eyes he stood up and walked
over to her, his brows furrowed.
“What happened?”
She shook her head
and glanced at the people sitting at the nearest table, who weren’t paying any
attention to them. Still, she had an
overwhelming desire to get away from everyone else...to just be alone with him,
to tell him everything.
“Lily?” he said,
ducking his head slightly so he could try and look her in the face.
“Can we go
somewhere?”
He leaned closer
and asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Let’s...let’s
just go upstairs. Where
it’s quiet.”
“Your room?”
“Yes.”
He nodded, then
took her hand in his and led her out of the noisy, crowded pub and up the
stairs. She didn’t see anyone else from
the program...she assumed they were all upstairs writing their last letters to
their families. Sighing, she brought her
free hand to her eyes to brush away the tears that had suddenly welled up. James led them to her room and closed the
door quietly behind him after they were inside.
Turning, he looked at her just as she felt the lump in her throat swell
to ten times its previous size.
Something about the move from a chaotic setting to a private one seemed
to be making her turmoil worse.
Squeezing her eyes shut and willing the tears to stay inside, she felt
his hands grasp her face and tilt her head up.
“What happened?”
he asked again, this time in a pained voice as he brushed at the wetness on her
face with his thumbs. She pulled her
face out of his grasp in frustration and pinned him with her eyes.
“Where are we going to be in two years, James?”
“What?” he
frowned, obviously taken aback.
Sighing, she
explained, “You know as well as I do that the future is more uncertain now than
it’s ever been, for everyone...but at least other people have some constants in their lives. What if I enter into training now and lose
touch with everyone by the time it’s finished?
I won’t even have a family to go home to after it’s all over. I’ll be completely alone.”
He sighed and
shook his head, “No, you won’t.”
“How do you know?” she asked, pinning him with her
eyes, wishing he could wash her worry away but knowing it was impossible.
“I just know. It’s not going to happen.”
Shaking her head,
she said, “You can’t make promises like that, James. You heard what Dumbledore said...there’s such
a shortage of qualified aurors that the likelihood of
any of us being assigned together is nonexistent.”
“So what?” he
asked, but she could hear the uncertainty creeping into his voice, and it did
nothing but confirm her fears.
“My point is, no one knows where they’ll be in two years. We won’t be allowed to write to each other in
between...it’s forbidden, because of the security risk.”
“Lily,” he said
quietly, the slightest hint of frustration now lacing his voice, “Why can’t you
show even the smallest amount of trust in the people who care about you? Even if I didn’t get to know Arabella Figg as well as I could
have, anyone could see that you two were as close as sisters. Don’t you know that she would track you down
when it was over, that she would find you...or that I would, after how far we’ve come together this year?”
“James,” she
protested softly, touched but nevertheless unable to bargain her entire life on
a mere probability, “I couldn’t expect either of you to do that...to commit to
something like that. Everyone has their
own lives to lead, and we’ll all have taken completely different paths by then.
At least with Petunia, there’s a tie...”
“Sorry?”
“A blood tie, and
she made it clear to me today that she wants to keep it intact.”
He stood and
stared at her for what seemed like a long time.
She could see that his face had changed, as
though his mind was working hard on something...there was a strange look in his
eyes. At last, he suggested, “Look,
there are other ways of guaranteeing stability, if that’s what it would take to
make you feel better about everything.”
“Like what? What do you mean?”
He considered her
for a moment before replying, “Do you remember Frank and Alice Longbottom?”
“Of course I
remember them...I knew Frank very well when he was Head Boy.”
“Well, there you
go. They got married so they wouldn’t
have to be separated,” he noted, and Lily stared at him for a moment before he
continued matter-of-factly, “People do it all the time.”
She blinked, sure
that she must be hearing wrong. “What?”
“It’s a
solution...a means to an end,” he went on a bit more eagerly as the idea really
started to formulate in his mind, his eyes alight with urgency as he presented
it to her, “Think about it...it would ensure that we could be assigned together
and you wouldn’t have to worry about being alone, or losing contact with
everyone. It’s just a bit of insurance,
that’s all.”
“That’s all?
You can’t be serious!” she burst out, standing up. He held out his hands and took a step
forward, his eyes alight with confidence at his own genius and his growing
enthusiasm for his plan, and retorted,
“Look, what have
we got to lose? Really, it works out
better for everyone.”
Lily was so
flabbergasted that she didn’t quite know what to say...half of her brain
screamed that he had to be taking the mickey out of
her, but then she realized that he couldn’t be.
The conversation they’d been having would make a joke like this
completely inappropriate and unfathomably mean...and she knew he wouldn’t do
that to her. Still, that left one other
possibility...that he was serious about this, and that was even harder to
accept.
“James...you’ve
completely lost your mind! I can’t believe you’re considering this as a
plausible solution...”
“It is a plausible solution. Just think about it.”
“Think about it?” she repeated, “I don’t
even think you’ve done that!”
“I suggested it,
didn’t I?” he smiled wryly at her, trying to lighten the conversation, but she
refused to be patronized and replied,
“This isn’t a
joke, James. You’re being rash, and you
don’t seem to have any notion of what your proposition would mean,” she said firmly, on the verge of being angry
at him but not quite there yet, “Look, I...I appreciate the gesture, James,
but...even if we did this, and got assigned together, we’d have to put up a
front. It wouldn’t just be a piece of
paper we’d sign and then it’d be over with...it’s not that simple. We’d have to actually make it look real...we’d
have to live together and all.”
“Yeah, and that’s
not much different from how it is now, actually. We’ve practically been living together for
the past seven years.”
“It’s different
and you know it! More different than I
think you realize.”
“It wouldn’t have
to be,” he assured her, his voice back to being measured as he toned down his
excitement and attempted to convince her, “We know each other well enough now,
don’t we? After everything? I should think we trust each other enough to
know that there wouldn’t be any...expectations, or anything.”
He averted his
eyes momentarily as he finished his sentence, and she blushed heavily at the
implications of that. Nevertheless, she
trudged on defiantly, “And what about afterwards?”
“Afterwards?”
“After the two
years of training are up, then what?”
“Lily, this isn’t something I’m just spouting to make you feel better. The truth is, I...that night I found you crying in the common room, all I could feel was the overwhelming need to just be there for you. I’d never felt like that before...I wanted you to cry on my shoulder.